The Mysteries of Bonnaroo 2014 Lost & Found

dam thoughts, barry currin, beaverdamusa.comBonnaroo 2014 certainly went out like a lamb. I heard no mention of mass arrests, assaults or anything like that. None of the 90,000 attendees overdosed and died. As always, it rained because it simply has to.

It obviously was a slow-news festival when one of the most noteworthy tidbits was Kim Kardashian showing up for Kanye’s set wearing a see-through top (just when we thought she could get any more transparent.)

BonnarooMTV.com even had to resort to running a story about the lost-and-found tent, which I’m sure is an interesting place. Any time you have that many semi-comatose people sloshing in the mud for a week, you’re going to have a bustling lost-and-found tent. The story told how many items remained at the tent as of Sunday night. Here are the numbers along with some observations.

  • 173 key rings. This begs Question No. 1: Wouldn’t you think there were also 173 cars left in the parking lot? Yes, I know these keys belonged to the 173 people who did not drive to the festival and also lacked the common sense to leave their keys in their bud’s vehicle. The photo MTV ran with the story showed the pile of misplaced keys. One ring had a Budweiser bottle opener, which looks like a questionable accessory. Another had a  Bi-Lo Bonus card attached. Imagine the surprise of the guy who went to Bi-Lo to cure the munchies and realized he couldn’t get his BOGO Doritos because he didn’t have his bonus card.
  • 93 phones. The article specified 41 iPhones and 52 other types, which makes for a 44 percent iPhone Bonnaroo market share. According to research I found while googling, iPhones make up for 25 percent of the market share nationwide. Does that mean that Bonnarooers have a higher propensity to carry iPhones? Or does it mean people with iPhones are more careless than other people? Visible in the picture, by the way, is a good old-fashioned flip phone making me wonder if Back to the Future II is in production.
  • 94 wallets. Do you know what this tells us? It tells us that people value their phones more than they do their wallets. The article mentions one of the wallets was pulled from a Porta Potty and covered in you-know-what. I wonder who found it, cleaned off the Bonnaroopoo and returned it?
  • 77 bags. Fifteen of which were purses. That undoubtedly made for a fun ride home for 15 carloads of revelers. Also among the lost bags was one briefcase. “Yeah, I’ll hit the Which Stage as soon as I finish these general journal entries. Hey! Where’s my briefcase?”
  • 32 sunglasses. My God, only 32 pair? I can lose a pair of sunglasses between the house and the mailbox. How did 88,968 people make it through a muddy, chemical-enhanced, multi-day music festival with their sunglasses? And how on earth did six-fold the number of people lose their keys? “Hi, Mom, we’re having to take a Megabus home because Skinny Pete lost the keys, but we have totally awesome retinas.”
  • 2 condoms. I’ll bet it was easy to spot those two guys during their frantic search. If we have two extra Babyroos in 9 months, this might be why. I just hope the condoms didn’t belong to Kanye.

Just like the dirty wallet, who picks up a condom off the ground and takes it to the lost-and-found tent? Was it the guy who had the briefcase? The laptop? The flip phone? I’m thinking the same guy lost all three. Either way it’s a mystery. Not to sound capitalistic when talking about such a bohemian subject as Bonnaroo, but I think someone could make a killing by inventing Clue: Bonnaroo Edition. At least it would give people something to do on the Megabus ride home.

Did you lose something at Bonnaroo? Here is the link to the article.

Photo by Gabisauke (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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