Candy Corn Lattes: an Idea Whose Time has Come

barry currin, beaverdamusa.comI love candy corn, and I worry about people who don’t. It’s as simple as that.

I don’t say this about many foods, but if you don’t like candy corn, there’s something wrong with you. It is the perfect marriage of sugar, corn syrup and honey. Unlike almost anything else under the sun, it exists solely for us all to enjoy.

The numbers back me up. An internet search of “I hate candy corn” turned up 517,000 hits. “I love candy corn,” on the other hand, returned 8.8 million. I’ll save you the trouble: that’s a 94 percent approval rating. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could agree on anything else with that overwhelming of a majority? Anything at all? We couldn’t get 94 percent of the people on this earth to agree on what day it is, much less any other issue.

Thank you, candy corn, for being the little taste of Heaven that unites us so. Too bad your deliciousness didn’t rub off on some of the other tastes of the fall season.

I’m talking about the seasonal root vegetables such as beets, turnips and the like. I don’t mean to sound like a finicky 12-year-old kid, but how could anything called a root vegetable ever be really tasty? What are we, mastodons?

Of course, the most popular and symbolic taste of the fall harvest season is the pumpkin, which I don’t care too much for, either.

There is a reason the cartoon is titled, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” instead of, “This Pumpkin is Great, Charlie Brown.”

Apparently, I am not alone in my lack of affection for this big, heavy fruit (yes, it is a fruit). Back to the internet search thing, two-thirds of the universe agrees with me. So if that’s the case, why do we have this ridiculous pumpkin-flavored-everything craze? You’ve got to hand it to the group that markets the pumpkin for positioning their product in dozens of different ways.

What started out as an inedible blank canvas for a jack-o-lantern has now become one of the basic food groups for two months out of the year. I’ve seen more pumpkin spice latte selfies on Facebook this fall than I saw ice water challenges back in the summer.

And it’s not just coffee shops that have jumped on the bandwagon. You can’t go near a restaurant without seeing yet another way entrepreneurs are trying to turn pumpkins into something enjoyable to eat. Pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin bisque, pumpkin smoothies, and the list goes on and on. There’s even pumpkin-flavored beer. (I do like roasted pumpkin seeds, though, probably because they taste nothing like pumpkin.)

A great competitor of the pumpkin in dismal seasonal taste is the sweet potato. When I was growing up, I was served lots of sweet potato pie in the fall. Guess what? It tastes like pumpkin pie. Guess what else? I didn’t like it. Sweet potato casserole is palatable enough as long as it’s the kind with the candied pecans on top. The secret is in the way you maneuver the spoon so as to get the maximum amount of gooey pecans and the least amount of casserole. The same principle works with the kind with the marshmallows on top. I’m still pretty good at it.

As for the tastes of autumn, I am largely unimpressed, except for that little cone-shaped white, yellow and orange taste sensation that I — and 94 percent of my closest friends — cannot wait for someone to turn into a coffee flavor.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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