The Great Escape

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Come on, sister. You’ve almost got it!”

“I’m stuck!”

“You can do it. Let me give you a push.”

“Not too — Ouch!”

“Sorry. Suck in that gut!”

“If I ever get loose from here, I’m going to… Now what are you doing?”

“Slobbering on you.”

“Why?”

“To make you slick so you can squeeze through. Now give it all… you’ve… got!”

“Ouch!”

“You made it, and with most of your fur, too.”

“Boy, those slats looked farther apart before I tried squeezing through them.”

“Sweet freedom, sister. You enjoy it. You’ve earned it.”

“I am free, so free! The air is crisper out here. The sky is bluer. The grass is greener.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Well, I am thirsty. I might get me some water.”

“The water bowl is still in here with me.”

“That’s okay. I’ll find a crystal clear stream. I might even catch a fish in my mouth, just like a bear. Speaking of that, I’m hungry.”

“Well, the food bowls are in here.”

“That’s okay. I can survive on my own. It would be nicer, though, if it wasn’t so cold.”

“Well, you’ll find cedar shavings somewhere, probably.”

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Maybe I could’ve planned this escape a little better. I’m going to come back in, regroup, and maybe try it again in a few days.”

“Shall I fling some slobber on you?”

“Fling away.”

The Liberated Beagle

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What in the world are you…”

“What do you think?”

“No, please! Put it…”

“I am liberated, sister! Take off yours, too!”

“I will not. It’s vulgar. I can see your…”

“Take it off! It’s time! You have been wearing it for years.”

“No, I will not. It’s cute. Look, it has little chili peppers on it.”

“Don’t you know what a collar signifies? It represents our subversiveness to people. When a leash is attached to it, you are automatically give up your say in what you are doing with your life.”

“It also shows somebody cares about us. It sets us apart from mangy strays.”

“Whatever.”

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for matches.”

“Why?”

“I’m burning this representation of conformity. Burn, baby, burn!”

“You’d better not strike a match.”

“You’re such a stick in the mud.”

“Maybe so. But, I’m just… Hey, here they come with the leashes!”

“Yea! I wonder where we’re going?”

“I’m going with them. You’re staying here because, let’s see, how did you put it? Oh, yes. You are too liberated to wear that representation of conformity.”

“Shut up and help me buckle this thing. But, I’m taking it back off, later.”

“You’d better hide those matches in a hurry.”

 

Have You Seen the Scissors?

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are you doing?”

“Looking for the scissors.”

“They’re right there.”

“Where?”

“Under your leg.”

“Where?”

“Other leg.”

“Where?”

“Other leg.”

“Where?”

“Take a wild guess. How many legs have you not looked under?”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Why don’t you use gift bags?”

“That’s cheating.”

“No it’s not. At least I didn’t just then look like a dog chasing its tail looking for the scissors.”

“I hate that expression.”

“Me, too.”

“I wonder why there are so many expressions about dogs — three dog night… dog days of summer… it’s a dog’s life.”

“Dog tired.”

“Yeah. I’m dog tired of losing stuff. Have you seen the tape?”

“Yeah, it’s under your leg.”

“Where?”

“Other leg.”

“Where?”

“Seriously?”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Can I open my presents when you finish wrapping them?”

“Are you kidding? After I go to all this trouble, you just want to rip them open? Tear them to shreds?”

“I’ll let you have yours.”

“We’ll talk. Have you seen the To/From tags?”

Candy Canes, Pea Gravel and Dogs

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are you eating?”

“Mumby dane.”

“What?”

“mamby bame.”

“Quit talking with your mouth full.”

“Candy cane! What, are you deaf?”

“How many have you had?”

“Uh, two or three.”

“Uh…”

“Okay, 35 or 40. I can’t stop!”

“You’re going to spoil your supper.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t even know. I just heard it said once.”

“How does my breath smell, though?”

“Like a dog that has just polished off 40 candy canes.”

“Thank you, I think. Do you want one?”

“Sure, I’ll try one.”

“Not bad, huh?”

“Not at all. Gimme another one.”

“I’ll tell you. You won’t be able to stop.”

“Yum.”

“Take it easy. You’ll break a tooth.”

“I eat pea gravel. I think I can… crunch! Ouch!”

“Told you.”

“Well that hurts!”

“You’re not supposed to see how fast you can eat them.”

“Oh, this coming from someone who can eat a whole bowl of dog food in 10 seconds.”

“Did it in 8 seconds last week. Remember?”

“And, history is rewritten.”

“Hush and give me another candy cane.”

Snoopy and Woodstock?

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.comNote: Barks Between Beagles has resumed publishing on Tuesday again. Turns out they aren’t Monday dogs. Who knew?

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to climb on top of our house.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to pretend I am a World War I fighter pilot and I am going to shoot down the Red Baron.”

“And I suppose you have goggles.”

“Check.”

“And, a scarf.”

“Check.”

“And, a cap.”

“Roger that.”

“Don’t you think you’re a little old to pretend you’re Snoopy pretending to be a World War I fighter pilot.”

“You’re as young as you feel. Now give me a boost to help me get on top of this house.”

“My stars, you’re heavy.”

“Shut up. Now hand me my goggles and prepare to see me make aviation history.”

“Oh, for the love of –”

“Spin the propeller, sister! And… Take off.”

“How’s the weather up there?”

“rowrrrrrrr… rowrrrrrr…”

“What’s that?”

“That’s the sound my engine makes.”

“pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.”

“And, that would be your gun.”

“Got him! Now, I’m coming in for a landing.”

“That actually looked fun. Let me try.”

“I was expecting you to say that, so I got you your own costume.”

“You mean I get to be a World War I fighter pilot, too?”

“Nope. You get to be Woodstock.”

“Are you kidding– Yellow! Feathers!”

“Put it on!”

“|”’|”|””|”

“What?”

“|”’|”|””|”

“Oh, I get it. You’re talking like Woodstock.”

“|”’|”|””|”|”’|”|””|””|”’|”|””|”

“How long is this going to go on?”

“|”’|”|””|”

 

The Christmas List

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are you doing?”

“Working on my Christmas list.”

“Oh, this should be good. What’s on it so far.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What?”

“You said, ‘Oh, this should be good.’ Are you implying my Christmas gift list will be silly or superficial?”

“Well, you’re silly and superficial, so yeah, that’s pretty much what I meant.”

“Okay, well prepare to be surprised. The first thing I want is this can opener.”

“Why do you need a can opener?”

“It has no exposed blade and leaves no sharp edges.”

“Again, what do you need with a can opener.”

“I am trying to choose between olive, eggplant and aquamarine.”

“We don’t open cans.”

“But they’re selling like hotcakes.”

“But we don’t open cans, bottles, jars, jugs. You don’t need a can opener.”

“Okay, well if you must know, I already ordered you a can of Alpo for Christmas, and after I did it, I realized I don’t have any way to open it!”

“You mean you put a gift on your list that would help me enjoy a gift I got?”

“Yes.”

“I think I’m gonna cry. You do have the Christmas spirit, sister.”

“Well, you know.”

“You want to hear the bad news?”

“Alpo has a pull thingy on the can. You don’t need a can opener, anyway.”

“I’m definitely going with the aquamarine.”

“You never listen.”

“What?”

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Monday

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“I hate Mondays.”

“Me, too.”

“Remember that Garfield cartoon?”

“Yep.”

“I don’t want to admit it, but he was pretty smart for a cat.”

“Yep. He hated Mondays, too.”

“Hated them.”

“You know what he used to say?”

“Yeah. He used to say, ‘I hate Mondays.’ That’s what we’re talking about.”

“You’re right. I guess we have established that.”

“What do you want to do now?”

“I don’t know.”

“We could just sit here and complain about something else.”

“Or, we could go back to bed.”

“Naw, then we’d just have to get up again.”

“I hate getting up.”

“Me, too. But you know what I really hate?”

“Getting up on Mondays.”

“I hate Mondays.”

Cedar Shavings, ‘Nuff Said

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Oooh.”

“Ahhh.”

“Ohhh, my goodness.”

“It almost makes winter worth it.”

“Cedar.”

“Sweet cedar shavings.”

“Sweet mother of cedar shavings.”

“How warm must it be in here?”

“I feel like a bagel in a toaster.”

“Whole wheat or blueberry?”

“It’s a metaphor.”

“No, it’s a simile. A simile uses either ‘like’ or ‘as,’ and a metaphor does not. You said, ‘I feel like a bagel’, which is a simile. If you had said, ‘I’m a bagel,’ that would’ve been a metaphor.

“You’re a nerd.”

“Now that’s a metaphor.”

“No, that’s the truth.”

“What about this fresh smell, too?”

“Delightful. Nobody will accuse us of smelling like wet dogs today.”

“And, any fleas that have not already frozen to death are long gone.”

“See ya, blood sucking varmints.”

“Yeah. See ya next spring.”

“I love spring, even with the fleas. It gets warm, the flowers start blooming.”

“Yeah, but there isn’t  fresh cedar bedding in the spring.”

“There should be.”

“You know, there really should be.”

“Get on that.”

“I think I might.”

The Beagles Celebrate Veterans Day

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Happy Veterans Day.”

“And a happy Veterans Day to you too, sister.”

“How are we going to celebrate?”

“I’m not sure. Is there a parade?”

“No around here, no.”

“Is the family having a get-together?”

“Well, if they were all we would do would be to bark at the cars when they pulled up.”

“Nothing special about that. We bark every day.”

“Yeah, at everything.”

“Hey!”

“What?”

“Are there presents on Veterans Day? Sometimes we get some of that sloppy Alpo as a treat for Christmas!”

“Yeah, and one year remember we got some of those pigs ear dog treats!”

“Uh, huh. And you hid yours and didn’t find it until spring. And you didn’t share it with me.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think we don’t put a lot of hullabaloo into Veterans Day because the veterans probably prefer it that way.”

“You’re probably right. They served our country unselfishly. Come came home okay, some didn’t. I guess that’s why we don’t go all out with presents and everything.”

“So we’ll thank a veteran today, and we’ll just celebrate them silently.”

“But we’re still gonna bark.”

“Oh, yeah, we are. As a matter of fact, do you see that squirrel?”

“Yep.”

“Ready?”

“Yep.”

“Let ‘er rip!”

 

 

The Mop

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s that?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, what is that?”

“It’s a mop.”

“Looks like a poodle’s head on a stick. What’s it for?”

“I am not believing this.”

“Are you going to use it to play a trick on the cat?”

“No, I’m going to use it and this bucket to mop the floor.”

“This floor?”

“Yes, this the floor of our house. I am going to put hot water and some soap in this bucket and mop the floor. I’m tired of living like barbarians.”

“We don’t live like barbarians! We go way out in the yard to do our business.”

“And you want that to be all that separates us from barbarians?”

“I’ve got a better idea how to use that mop.”

“Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, what’s your idea?”

“Let’s chew it up and rip it to shreds all over the yard like we used to do when we were puppies.”

“Move your stuff. I’m mopping.”

“I don’t really have any stuff.”

“Then move yourself.”

“Okay, okay…”

“Aw…”

“What’s wrong?”

“It does look like a poodle’s head.”

“But aren’t you going to mop?”

“Nah, I’m out of the mood, now.”

“Good. Hey, here comes the cat.”

“Shhh. Watch this.”

“Boy, she went almost to the top of the tree that time!”

“Yeah! I love this poodle on a stick.”

“Me, too.”

“Look! I’m a poodle!”

“Get that thing off your head. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I know it’s never been used to mop the floor.”

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