Halloween Costumes: Naughty and Nice

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s that?”

“A skirt.”

“Where’s the rest of it?”

“This is all of it, Miss Smarty Pants.”

“What’s it for?”

“My Halloween costume.”

“What are you going as, a dog who shrank her clothes?”

“A nurse, for your information.”

“A nurse.”

“That’s right.”

“Like at the vet?”

“I guess so. I keep my eyes closed the whole time we’re there, so I’m not really sure I’ve ever seen one. See the picture on the package?”

Naughty Nurse Costume.” If she has to bend over, the moon is going to be shining, that’s for sure. What does naughty mean?”

“I’m not sure. Probably something like life of the party.”

“Hey, at least it does come with a stethoscope. You should put it –”

“– it’s already in the freezer. I’m not going to take it out until Halloween! It will be frozen solid, just like in real life.”

“Well I am going as Snoopy.”

“Oh, that’s original! Geez. We are beagles, we look like Snoopy to begin with.”

“Yes, but I am going to carry my food bowl in my mouth, just like Snoopy does. I only wish I had a little bird to play Woodstock.”

“You know what I always wondered?”

“What?”

“Why Snoopy doesn’t bark to high heaven every time Woodstock comes around.”

“I know. He is so annoying.”

“So annoying.”

“Hey, let me check your pulse!”

“Get that thing away from me! It’s freezing.”

To Paint or Not to Paint

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are these?”

“Paint samples.”

“Why on earth do you have paint samples?”

“Aren’t you tired of looking at this same ol’ drab color on the doghouse?”

“I hadn’t particularly noticed. Was I supposed to?”

“Look at this one, Magnificent Mocha.”

“Looks like brown to me.”

“Or Tantalizing Taupe?”

“Looks like brown to me.”

“Don’t you want to spruce up the old place?”

“We’re dogs.”

“Exactly! We deserve nice digs.”

“Oh, you don’t –”

“– What do you like for the trim? Eggshell, cream, dutch white, bone, designer white, flax, linen, seashell or vanilla?”

“Well, I absolute hate the bone.”

“Me, too!”

“Pffft.”

“Oh, I get it. Another joke.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be color blind anyway?”

“That’s such bull.”

“I know. Who started that?”

“Probably some scientist with nothing better to do.”

“Yeah. What did he do? Tell  his dog to bark when he held up a piece of red paper?”

“Probably.”

” And then he held up something like scarlet or rose instead of red and the dog didn’t bark, because he’s saying, ‘this isn’t red, it’s scarlet.’”

“Wait a minute. You know the difference between scarlet and rose, but taupe and mocha both look brown to you?”

“I just was never that much into earth tones.”

“Why do you torment me.”

“I’ve got nothing else much to do.”

“Well then, grab a brush.”

The Flood

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s that?”

“Looks like our water bowl.”

“Where’s it going?”

“Looks like it’s going under the fence.”

“Yep. There it went.”

“This is some rain.”

“It’s raining horses and cows.”

“I think you mean, it’s raining cats and dogs.”

“I don’t like saying it that way.”

“You can’t just change an expression like that.”

“Who says? Are you going to call the Expression Police?”

“I might.”

“You mean there really is an Expression Police?”

“No, they were forced to merge with the Grammar Police a couple of years ago because of budget cuts.”

“Oh… What are budget cuts?”

“Budget cuts happen when anticipated expenses exceed anticipated income, and certain expenses are cut to save money. Some budget cuts affect some people more than they affect others.”

“Kind of like when your food bowl goes under the fence?”

“Exactly.”

Busy

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“We are so busy.”

“Busy, busy, busy.”

“Got time for nothing.”

“Ain’t nobody got –”

“– Stop. Nobody says that anymore.”

“I still hear it.”

“I’m too busy to argue with you.”

“How did we get so far behind?”

“I don’t really know.”

“Coffee?”

“Sure. Just one more cup.”

“You know, it’s almost time to get some cedar shavings in this house.”

“I know. I’ve just been too busy to do it. Put it on the list.”

“Where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“The list.”

“I guess we’ve been too busy to make one.”

“Shall I start one?”

“If you’re not too busy.”

“Cream?”

“Not this time.”

“Who’s on Ellen today?”

“Ummm. Tony Danza.”

“Who’s he?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, well. We probably wouldn’t have time to watch it all, anyway.”

“She is funny, though.”

“Hilarious. I wish I was Ellen so I wouldn’t have to work.”

“Tell me about it. She’s never been as busy as we are.”

“We are so busy.”

“Busy, busy, busy.”

Why a Dog Craves Chocolate

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“I want some chocolate. I need a chocolate fix.”

“You’ve never had chocolate. Chocolate is toxic to us. It contains theobromine 

“It’s not fair.”

“What on earth is wrong with you? Is everything in your life so perfect that you have to pretend to miss something you have never even tasted?”

“My life’s not perfect.”

“Is that so?”

“No. In fact, I’m plenty messed up.”

“Oh, boy… Here we go again. You just want me to ask what’s wrong, and I’m not falling for it.”

“I’ve never tried to bait you into asking me anything, Miss Smarty Pants.”

“You have, too. You do it all the time. You start feeling sorry for yourself, then you get me to reassure you that you’re still pretty, or funny, or smart and then you feel better and everything is okay again.”

“You think I’m pretty?”

“Yes, you’re pretty.”

“And funny?”

“Mildly amusing most of the time, yes.”

“And smart?”

“Yes. You’re smart. Now can we get back to doing what we were doing?”

“What were we doing?”

“You were pretending to crave chocolate.”

“Oh, yes. And I remember why, now.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t feel pretty, anymore.”

“You’re a nut case.”

“Speaking of nuts, I could go for some macadamia nuts right now.”

“Macadamia nuts are toxic for dogs, too.”

“Life is so unfair.”

“Oh, spare me.”

“No chocolate. No macadamia nuts.”

“No peace and quiet.”

The Beagles of Summer

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s wrong? You look sad.”

“I’m a beagle. A hound. A beagle hound. I always look sad.”

“When food is on the way, you don’t look sad. When you are in hot pursuit of a squirrel you don’t look sad.”

“I guess you’re right. I don’t always look sad.”

“So everything is okay?”

“No, I’m sad.”

“But you –”

“Just because I look sad almost all the time doesn’t mean I can’t be sad, too.”

“Oh good grief!”

“What?”

“Why are you sad, for Heaven’s sake?”

Boys of Summer just came on the radio.”

“So?”

Nobody on the road… Nobody on the beach… I feel it in the air… The summer’s out of reach. Pretty much sums it up. Another summer is gone, again.”

“Oh, you are so dramatic.”

“I didn’t do hardly anything on my summer bucket list.”

“You have a summer bucket list?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s on it?”

“Get a tan.”

“You’re covered with fur. What else?”

“We didn’t go anywhere.”

“We went to boarding a lot.”

“That’s not the same.”

“Rocco followed you around all day that one time.”

“Yeah, he did, didn’t he.”

“See, you had a pretty good summer. Besides, fall means fewer flies, gnats, fleas.”

“I do get tired of scratching.”

“Cooler weather. It’s not as humid.”

“You’ve got a point.”

“And are you ready for the cherry on top?”

“I know what you’re going to say!”

“Candy corn!”

“Candy corn!”

“Happy fall, y’all!”

 

The Coffee Maker

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are you doing?”

“Looking online for a coffee maker.”

“But we don’t drink coffee.”

“Look, here’s one of those Keurigs!”

“We don’t drink coffee.”

“Look at all these coffees: Green Mountain, Starbucks, Wolfgang Puck’s, Emeril’s –

– “We” –

– “Tully’s, Caribou” –

– “don’t” –

– “Barista Prima” –

– “drink coffee!”

“Newman’s Own Organic.”

“As in Paul Newman?”

“Yes.”

“Have you had his salad dressing? Should’ve stuck to acting.”

“Ol’ Butch Cassidy’s making coffee now.”

“I wonder if he roasted the beans himself.”

“Oh, yeah, right. Sure he did.”

“You know the difference between Paul Newman and us?”

“Besides the fact that he’s dead?”

“Well, yeah, but when he was alive, the difference was he drank coffee. And we don’t!”

“What color should we get? White, black, stainless?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Do they have one with the corners already chewed up like everything else around here?”

“I don’t like your tone. Hey, this one makes espresso, too.”

“Hmmm. Espresso, you say?”

“Yes. It’s a combination coffee maker slash espresso machine.”

“Let me see that.”

“Aren’t you going to say we don’t drink espresso?”

“We could start! Espresso is so much cooler than coffee.”

“Now you’re seeing it my way!”

“Stainless or black?”

“Black.”

“I’m thinking stainless.”

“Black.”

“Let’s compromise. White.”

“Okay, you win. Stainless.”

“Click. Done. There’s a sucker born every minute.”

“Did Paul Newman say that?”

“PT Barnum.”

“Circus dude?”

“Yep.”

“I love the circus.”

“Me, too. You know what else I think I’m going to love?”

“What?”

“Espresso.”

Insomnia? It Beats Being Neutered

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“What do you mean you can’t sleep? You sleep 23 hours a day.”

“Are you talking to me right now?”

“Yes.”

“And, am I talking back?”

“Yes.”

“So, am I asleep?”

“No.”

“Then, that means I can’t sleep!”

“All right, all right. You are a bit cranky. What do you usually do to try and go to sleep?”

“Lots of times I imagine myself napping under a tree where there are no squirrels, no falling leaves, no birds, no butterflies, no fire truck sirens, no sounds at all to annoy me. There is a gentle breeze, but it doesn’t make anything move.”

“That’s nice. Why isn’t it working this time?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I can’t get my mind off all my problems.”

“Oh, for goodness sake. What problems do you have?”

“Well for one, I’m getting older. Everything hurts. If I do sleep too long in the same position it takes me half the day to work out the stiffness. I break out in a sweat when I bark. And if it weren’t for fleas, no creature on earth would be attracted to me.”

“I’m attracted to you.”

“You’re my sister. You don’t have any choice. You know what I mean. You know Rocco from boarding?”

“Yeah.”

The last time we were there, I used my best moves and he didn’t even look at me.”

“Maybe that’s because Rocco’s been recently neutered.”

“No!”

“Yes, I am serious. Rocco is now Rocco Nomo’.”

“Hey, what was that?!”

“Nothing. I think a squirrel just dropped a nut.”

“In memory of Rocco?”

“You’re incorrigible. Go to sleep.”

“That was a good one, though.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Ctrl-Alt-Delete, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Okay, looks like the screen is coming up.”

“Finally. I hate this laptop.”

“Nope, went black again.”

“Dang. Push the power button.”

“That will turn it off.”

“It’s already off. It just went off.”

“I’m about to go off on you. Wait a minute. It’s coming back up. Whew.”

“Move your cursor.”

“I can’t it’s stuck right there.”

“When you turned it off last night, did you put it to sleep or just close the lid?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters!”

“Well which should I have done, Miss Smarty Pants?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. But apparently you should’ve done the one you didn’t do.”

“Okay, okay, here we go. I can now move the cursor.”

“Whew. It’s about time.”

“Well I… will… be –”

“–What is it now?”

“Google Chrome is not responding. And now I’ve just got that little rolling blue wheel of death.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Seems like a half an hour.”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Don’t say what?”

“Don’t say, ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that.’ It is so last year. Nobody says that anymore.”

“I just heard it a couple of days ago.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I am not.”

“Hey! It’s up!”

“Finally. We have so much to do today, I don’t even know where to start.”

“You know what I’m thinking, though?”

“What?”

“We probably should check Facebook just to see what happened overnight.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Hmmm. Let’s see what we have here… Cat video… cat video… inspirational quote… cat video… ice bucket… ice bucket… picture of an empty breakfast plate… that same Emi Sunshine video that stayed on top of my timeline all freakin’ day yesterday…”

“Call me back when she changes her name to Emo Sunshine and does something by the Plasmatics.”

“That would be slightly less annoying.”

“Hey, look at this!”

“Oh, a new cat video! Hilarious!”

“Pretty good stuff, I must say.”

“All right. Ready to get to work now?”

“Well, it’s almost break time. But we do have time to check Instagram real quick.”

YouTube and the Ticklish Dog

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s wrong? Are you choking?”

“No, silly. I’m laughing.”

“Dogs don’t laugh. We don’t laugh.”

“Oh, I laugh. And I am adorable when I do.”

“Is that so? What makes you laugh?”

“When someone tickles me. I’m ticklish!”

“Dogs do not laugh. Dogs are not ticklish. I know what you’re doing.”

“Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. What am I doing?”

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“You’re still trying to make one of those viral videos. You saw one on Facebook and thought, ‘Hey, I can do that.’”

“Maybe I did. So what? You know Rocky from daycare?”

“I love me some Rocky.”

“Yeah, me too. He’s kinda got that gravely bark.”

“I wish he’d bark at me.”

“I saw him sniffing where you marked your territory the other day.”

“Really?! Sniff-sniffing or just plain sniffing?”

“I couldn’t tell. Anyway, Rocky told me that he let his owner film him with a dog treat on his nose and it got 32,000 hits on YouTube.”

“You’re kidding. Why for Heaven’s sake? That’s the oldest trick in the book.”

“You know people. It doesn’t take much to amuse them.”

“Yeah, and they laugh at us for chasing a stick.”

“Why are you drinking all the water?”

“When we get to daycare, I want to be able to mark my territory real good. And you keep an eye on Rocky, just in case he comes around again.”

“You have a one-track mind.”

“Maybe so. But at least I’m not pretending to get tickled just so I can be a YouTube sensation.”

“Well, at least I’m not seeing how much I can drink just to impress another dog.”

“You know what?”

“What?”

“We’re no better than people.”

“Not one bit. Hold the camera.”

“Okay. Start laughing…”

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