How to: Date Me

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comLooking for someone to share my buy one get one Chipotle burrito coupon with. Please apply by filling out the questionnaire below:

Name:

Age:

Sex:

Relationship Status:

Phone Number:

Social Security Number:

City of Residence:

Chipotle Order:

Faith:

Family Medical History:

Dog Person or Cat Person?

Favorite Color:

Second Favorite Color:

Third Favorite Color:

Average Monthly Income:

Ideal Superpower:

Beach or Mountains?

Average Time You Let Dirty Dishes Just Sit in the Sink:

Highest Level of Education Completed:

List Your Hopes and Dreams:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

5 years ago, where did you see yourself in 5 years?

Are you cool about killing spiders?

Are you cool with me not being cool about killing spiders?

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:

Name Five Capital Cities and their Corresponding States:

Explain the difference between There/Their/They’re:

What is your Spirit Animal?

Would your Spirit Animal say you are their Spirit Human if I asked?

Free Space:



Thank you for your submission. Winner will be notified via phone. Winner will also be expected to purchase the “buy one” portion of the buy one get one free Chipotle deal.

How to: Rent

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comI’ve decided to put down roots in this town. And by “decided” I mean that I’m coming to terms with the fact that living in my friend’s parents’ basement isn’t going to fly forever. And by “put down roots” I mean that I’m becoming a renter.

You see, buying a home would be a monumental commitment for me right now. I just moved back to Kansas…who knows if it’s going to work out for the long haul? I’ve got things I gotta do! I’m a single lady in my early to mid twenties and I can’t be tied down by a mortgage and yard work. There’s life to be lived and things to see!

Also, I cannot afford to buy a house. Just…at all. So the decision is easy.

I’ve rented a few different apartments/houses in my day and I’ve watched others do the same.  Most of the renting world that I have witnessed is fresh-faced kids trying to find a foot in the adult world taking advice from their parents who have been homeowners for 20+ years. They forget that renting is not as responsibility-laden as owning a home. Renting is the easiest thing in the world! #tooblessedtobestressed

Apartment (allow 1-2 days for search and 3-6 weeks for move-in)

Apartment complex living is the simplest renting option on the list. On-site offices fix every problem for you and chances are good that you might be able to steal internet from a neighbor–especially if they are 65 or older. The one rule of your new community living: it needs to have a pool. I cannot stress this enough: You should not live in close proximity to 35 other people unless you are getting something out of it. “Business Centers” and “On-Site Gyms” are for the birds. Secure that pool access and stock up on foam pool noodles. You can never have enough noodles–gluten or otherwise.

But how do I make the first step towards my dream 700 sq ft? The mistake I see most in apartment acquisitions is the approach. We are all afraid of personal interaction in the digital age. For example, you are reading this blog instead of asking a coworker how their weekend was. I get it. But securing the apartment with pool requires old school social gumption; you have to show up or shut up (is that the phrase?). I spent four years living in the most coveted college apartments in Nashville because instead of calling or emailing the office to set up a tour, I showed up at the office door unannounced and put my name in the running. It turns out apartment complexes actually expect you to do things like this and don’t mind showing you around and answering questions. One apartment I visited gave me a tour via a cool golf cart. I’m just saying, my tenacity got me four years of pools, cheap rent, sand volleyball courts, and mystery internet if you used your computer in one corner of the apartment.

House (allow 2-3 days for search and 1-2 weeks for move-in)

Renting a house is a much greater risk/reward scenario than your standard apartment deal. If you miss out on an apartment, there are typically 50 more apartments in that same location that are exactly the same price and layout. You’ll catch the next one. If you miss out on a house, you’re done. You screwed up and it’s gone. If you find the perfect house and act quickly, however, your reward is a space all your own that doesn’t share walls with any weirdos (unless you’ve picked a bad roommate).

When looking for a house, a lot of people make the mistake of forgetting the differences between buying and renting. Buying a house is a pretty big deal. It takes months of searching and narrowing down exactly what you’re looking for and analyzing hundreds of different houses online and in person to find the perfect fit for you. You sign on for a 30 year mortgage and assume responsibility for anything that breaks. Inspectors are involved and lawyers and millions of dollars and…well, honestly I’ve never priced out exactly what goes into buying a house but this seems right.

Renting, on the other hand, happens in the blink of an eye. You find a house, visit it to make sure it’s a real house and not a scam (pro tip: nobody from Africa is trying to rent you a house in America), decide that this place will be “good enough” for at least a year, fill out some paperwork, and move in. There is almost no real work involved. It’s so simple. I found the house I’m moving into online on a Tuesday, viewed it in person on Wednesday, applied Thursday, and was approved on Friday. I’m moving in two weeks later. Every house I’ve lived in has had a transaction time of less than four days. Stop panicking about finding the perfect house to rent. You are renting. You do not need to spend all your money and time on a place that will never actually be yours. Just find a house that works and start worrying about what you need to do to put yourself in a position to buy a house of your own. I mean, honestly.

All this to say, I’m looking for people to help me move next week. Pizza and beer on me but not until after the job is finished and I’ve inspected to make sure you didn’t damage any of my stuff.

How to: Celebrate Independence

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comWhat did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!

Happy 239th Birthday, America! You don’t look a day over 200. Just kidding. You’re starting to look terrible and nobody recycles anything.

Here are five America-themed activity ideas you can do with your family this year:

  1. Check and see if your ancestors were even in America in 1776. Has your family contributed anything? Or are you just reaping the benefits from someone else’s work? It’s okay either way. #America

  2. Turn on your television and have everyone sit around and watch without speaking for no less than four hours. Make sure everyone is also on their phones. Mindlessly eat some sort of chip/dip combo.

  3. Speaking of food, try to only eat food that comes out of a box with printed microwave instructions on the side. Pair this with lots of soda and energy drinks. Eat a ½ cup of sugar to make sure you get enough for the day.

  4. Go around the room and have everyone say who they will be voting for in the next election. Winner is the person who grimaces the least.

  5. Eat another ½ cup of sugar.

Happy 4th of July!!

What dance was very popular in 1776? Indepen-dance!

How to: Come Back

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comIn the last three days I have broken a trampoline and been bit by a dog. I don’t mean to brag–I know you don’t need that from me. But I wanted you to know what’s been going on, you know, in case you’ve been wondering why my guard has been up.

The last month has been a terrible case of writer’s block for me. I have learned that moving, starting a new job, and living in a house that has no basic appliances or internet can really take the creativity out of a person. That person being me. But I’m bouncing back slowly but surely. Yesterday I made it through a whole day without having to take a nap!

I think moving back to the Midwest is going to end up being a really good thing. Goodbye soda, hello pop! Goodbye cramped city life, hello open spaces! Goodbye living comfortably, hello living in a construction zone with no internet for at least two months! You get the idea.

Thank you for your patience as I pull together a new normal. I think I’m going to have a lot of stories to tell. We are having a funeral for the trampoline this weekend so that’s something. Also, I need to find the dog that bit me to make sure I don’t have rabies. Please think of me when the next full moon appears.

trampoline

How to: Pack

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comSome honest thoughts about packing up all of my things and moving:

  1. This will be fine.
  2. I’ll pack one box every day between now and moving day and then I’ll have no stress about moving.
  3. I’ll just pack two boxes tomorrow to make up for not packing one today.
  4. Maybe I could just burn all this stuff and start over.
  5. This is terrible.
  6. I’m moving in two days and have packed nothing.
  7. Maybe I should just burn all this stuff and start over.
  8. All of this stuff is garbage.
  9. I’ve never been more stressed in my life.
  10. I’m going to burn it all. I don’t care about anything anymore.

How to: Skip a Week

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comMy dear readers,

I am writing this letter to you by the dim light of the iPhone because I care/forgot about you. Don’t worry about it.

I have so much to tell you, diary! I moved 600ish miles on Monday to start a new life and my head is still spinning. Can you believe it? Little old me deciding that I want something and going for it. Or whatever. I don’t know. It’s a lot to process.

So I’m taking this week off. The last time I took a week off people freaked out and I just want to remind you, I don’t get paid to do this so I actually don’t care. At least this time I’m trying to break it to you gently.

Good luck to you in your week. Hope it goes great.

Respectfully yours,
Katherine

How to: Tell Someone You Love Them

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comDear Employees at my local Jersey Mike’s,

I don’t even know how to begin this letter. I wanted to tell you in person–I really did–but I panicked. I saw your eyes light up when I walked through the door this morning to pick up my #13 Original Italian on Wheat (Mike’s Way) and all of my resolve went out the window like yesterday’s fresh baked bread.

I’m moving. There. I said it. The time has come for me to leave Nashville to start a new chapter of my life back in Kansas. Hey, c’mon! Just look at me! Please! This isn’t about you. You didn’t do anything wrong. If anything the relationship I have with you is what has kept me in Nashville for seven beautiful years. You are not the gross Subway in the gas station down the road. You are an unchanging rock built on a foundation of Onions, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Vinegar, Oil and Spices and you’ve remained consistent since opening day in 1956.

It’s just time, employees at the Jersey Mike’s on Lebanon Pike, you know? I got a new job and some new music opportunities and it’s closer to my family and I’d been feeling kind of restless and you know what? I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you. You should just be happy for me. I am going after what I want which is more than I can say for you. Where is your location in Wichita? Why do you have two locations in Topeka? Topeka is a nothing town. I don’t care if it is the capitol. Why don’t you take care of the plank in your own eye, my friend?

Agh. I don’t want to fight. I promised myself I wouldn’t leave things this way.

The truth is, I am so thankful for the time we had together. I can’t tell you what it has meant for me to have you guys kind of learn my name and be able to mostly recognize my face when I walk through your doors at least once a week. You have kept me full both in stomach and in heart. I hope to one day return such kindness.

This isn’t the end of us. In fact, I would argue it is only the beginning. I love you. Please don’t forget about me.

Until next time,

Katherine Holmgren
#13 Original Italian on Wheat (Mike’s Way)

How to: (Hopefully) be the Young Single Aunt

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comYou can call me Aunt Kathy.

My brother and his wife welcomed a baby girl into the world on May 11th and now everything is different. I suppose change is inevitable but in this case I can feel myself changing too rapidly into a person I don’t recognize. New life has overtaken me and I haven’t even met this little baby in person. Hear me out on this one:

My niece has entered this world with me as her only unmarried aunt. Being a Single Aunt puts you into one of two categories: Young Single Aunt or Old Single Aunt. Young Single Aunts are the definition of fun. They are free-spirited and always ready for a party. The YSA is there when their niece needs relationship advice or a fun Girls’ Day Out with pedicures and dessert with every meal. A YSA knows how to have fun and will always help circumvent parental rules. She starts treating the kid like an adult from the moment she leaves the womb. Their relationship is very similar to the best friend characters in a sassy chick flick. Everyone needs a good Young Single Aunt on their side.

Old Single Aunts smell like mothballs and embody terror and obligation. The niece learns to prepare her cheeks for pinching and her taste buds for off-brand hard candy that predates her birth. The OSA does not understand social cues and makes everyone look at the same pictures and listen to the same stories over and over again. Nobody needs an Old Single Aunt in their life but everybody has one. Such is life.

There are exceptions to both camps, of course, and I fear I am one of them. For all intents and purposes, I should be textbook Young Single Aunt. I am young and cool and a lot of the people I hang out with think I’m a riot. I’m carefree, living life to the fullest; time and circumstance are on my side.

But this baby arrives and I’m immediately throwing out SERIOUS Old Single Aunt vibes. First of all, I was grabbing drinks with friends in Nashville on the night my niece was born in Kansas and I interrupted ALL table conversation EVERY TIME a new round of pictures came through my phone from my family. I made sure everyone had to drop everything they were doing to look at new pictures of the exact same baby to whom they had no relation.  The next day, I texted out new pictures to those same friends just to give them the hourly update on this baby they will probably never meet. Half of them did not respond.

Secondly, The only snack food/candy I have in my house right now are York Peppermint Patties that I keep in the freezer for when I “just need the tiniest little post-dinner chocolate.” Peppermint Patties, you guys. Have those ever been a candy of choice for anyone?? Did I honestly make and execute this choice at the grocery store? Why did I buy such a big bag? Isn’t Peppermint Patty the ambiguous tomboy in the Charlie Brown comics? Am I turning into Peppermint Patty?? Is he/she the OSA mascot? Peppermint Kathy??

Finally, the worst–and most telling–of my OSA transformation came when my dad sent me more pictures and I responded with:

FullSizeRender (3)

STRONG CHEEKS?! Like, I can’t wait to pinch those little cheeks? Am I insane?!

The next step for me is probably to start wearing an unhealthy amount of old perfume and too much blush. Is anyone trying to get rid of their cat? I need one or seven. I can’t wait to meet my niece and for her to be old enough to help me figure out how to work my television remotes so I can watch my soaps.

How to: Mother’s Day

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comDear Mom,

Hello. How are you? Great to hear!

Mother’s Day is coming up and what cheaper/better way to mark the occasion than with a post listing the things you do that make me thankful that you’re my mom?

  • I love your selflessness in letting me go through your closet when I’m home to pick out clothing I want to steal.

  • Similarly, I love how the articles of clothing I am most complimented on are followed by “thanks, my mom gave it to me.”

  • I love how you didn’t want me turning to smutty romance books or movies in my teenage years so you led me to believe that reading and being obsessed with Amish romance novels was fine and not weird.

  • I love that I think of you when springtime comes and I’m explaining to a friend how incredible it is that we’ve managed to find Hershey Chocolate Eggs in the grocery store and should we just buy every bag?

  • I love how I get more Christmas gifts than my brothers because I’m your only daughter.

  • I love and appreciate the honesty you conveyed many times when I was in high school and you told me I shouldn’t wear the same hoodie sweatshirt every day with ill-fitting basketball shorts.

  • I love your wisdom and your faith. I listen when you speak.

  • I love when you leave a big life decision up to me and I find out later that you knew the right choice all along but wanted me to get there on my own.

  • I love your chocolate chip cookies, tortellini soup, caramel bars, beef tenderloin, porcupine balls, taco salad, mashed potatoes, the cheesy potatoes with the corn flakes on top, frosted sugar cookies, and italian cream cake.

  • I love you!

Happy Mother’s Day! Please send money and/or baked goods!

 

Love,

Katherine

How to: Receive Life From Queso

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.com5 Times Queso Has Given Me Life:

  1. I snuck out of the office to go to Baja Burrito for lunch with a coworker. I ordered queso and used a chip as a vessel to transfer queso from the bowl to every bite of my burrito. Later that afternoon I heated up leftover chips and queso and used it as fuel while I formatted spreadsheets. It was one of the best days at work I’ve ever had.

  2. I was out of town and out to dinner with a big group of strangers and friends. The waiter asked if we wanted to start with any appetizers and I waited a beat before saying “Queso for the table, please. Put it on my tab.” Every face around the table lit up and I became the hero of the night. Everyone wanted to be my friend.

  3. I saved a homeless man once who collapsed on the sidewalk outside of a restaurant. I called an ambulance, cradled his head on my knee, whispered soothing words, the whole thing. The medics came and carted him off while bystanders applauded my fearlessness. The restaurant gave me free queso because it was the highest honor they were able to bestow on such bravery.

  4. Growing up, my mom often made taco salad for dinner and occasionally surprised us by also buying a jar of queso to snack on with chips before dinner. My heart still skips beats when I see the blue tupperware bowl we used exclusively to heat up the queso.

  5. [Left intentionally blank for future memories sure to come]
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