10 Amazing Life-saving Hacks (#6 is Priceless!)

dam thoughts, barry currin, beaverdamusa.comThese amazing, breathtaking hacks will leave you speechless. And if you read them all, you may survive until tomorrow.

1. If Al-Qaeda kidnappers knock at your front door, do not answer the door. Sure, they might be looking for your neighbor’s house but do not take the chance. (Same amazing life hack rule also applies to political candidates and Jehovah’s Witnesses.)

2. Even if you are really, really, really thirsty, do not drink antifreeze. Antifreeze contains Ethylene glycol, which is toxic to animals. Drink water, instead.

3. If you are hiking in the woods with a friend, and you suddenly feel that friend rubbing peanut butter on you, chances are good your friend has seen a bear and is attempting to avoid being attacked by making the bear attracted to you. Do not let your friend rub peanut butter on you! Should you be attacked and survive, you should evaluate who you are hiking with.

4. Avoid being the victim of defenestration. This is when someone throws you out of a window. The most famous account of this happening was the Defenestration of Prague, which occurred in 1618 and prompted the Thirty Years’ War. It is almost the only thing I remember from Western Civ.

5. If you are taking a bath and your spouse hands you a wrapped gift, make sure this gift does not have a power cord plugged into an electrical receptacle.  If this is the case, your spouse is likely trying to electrocute you by handing you a toaster. (Same amazing life hack rule applies to anyone handing you a plugged in appliance while you are submerged in water or any other liquid.) If this happens frequently, you might consider locking the door or divorcing the person who is trying to kill you.

6. If a severe storm is raging outside your house and Jim Cantore is doing a live report for The Weather Channel on your front porch, turn on your emergency weather radio. (Tip: look up and down your street for a large van with a satellite tower and THE WEATHER CHANNEL painted on the side.) Incidentally, if you google Jim Cantore to confirm the spelling of his name, the third result is “Jim Cantore Shirtless.” I always wondered what Jim was wearing under that parka. Answer: Nothing!

7. If your neighbor is beating on your front door holding a pair of brown shorts with a gold stripe and waving his pistol, check to see if those are your shorts. If they are, follow the procedure for Amazing Life Hack #1. If they are not, chances are he has you confused with that dreamy UPS man, who apparently has been kicking it Jim Cantore-style while making those mysterious daily deliveries to the neighbor’s wife.

8. Do not text while driving. The following other actions while driving are possibly acceptable, however, depending on your driving experience: changing the radio, looking for the quarter you dropped in the floorboard, taking a group selfie with your passengers if you are going somewhere your other friends will hate you for, checking your stock portfolio, tweeting, trying to hack into the Hampton Inn wifi you are going to pass in 3… 2… 1… seconds, reading this, or trying to figure out where to squirt the ketchup for the fries you just bought. Just don’t text.

9. Avoid falling asleep in a dumpster unless you know the schedule for the truck that comes to empty the dumpster. For instance: Even if you are really, really, really tired and the only place to sleep is in the dumpster, but you know the truck comes later that day, stay awake! Do not get in that dumpster! If you do, you are in danger of being dumped in the truck and taken to the landfill and buried alive under tons and tons of garbage. Stinky. Rotting. Garbage.

10. If you are standing outside and you see a giant meteor hurtling from space toward the place you are standing, move. That way, the meteor will hit where you were and not hit where you are, thereby sparing you from an instantaneous death from being crushed by the meteor. Same amazing life hack rule applies to trees, pianos and most automobiles.

You’re welcome.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

Comments

  1. Zach Clayton says:

    #8A – getting the lit cigarette out of your lap while driving 80 mph with the balls of your feet and the back of head being the only thing touching anything.

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