Put That Iron Curtain Back Up, I Beg You

barry currin, beaverdamusa.comI miss the Cold War. The Cold War gave America somebody to despise, and sadly, we seem to need that as a country. Without the Eastern Bloc as a bitter enemy, we’ve turned on ourselves.

We are polarized on every issue, even down to the most trivial. We have become an elementary school classroom full of kids who suddenly learned recess is cancelled for the day. We need an outlet so we will stop reaching across the aisle and punching each other in the arm.

So if I may speak satirically, I say, come on, Russia. Get the old gang back together. We dare you.

Put that Iron Curtain back up. And for the love of John F. Kennedy, post a picture on Facebook of a couple of cosmonauts in a rocket with “Mars or Bust” scrawled on the wall.

Ditch that newfangled name, Czech Republic. I’ll bet there’s still a box of old Czechoslovakia letterhead in some drab green filing cabinet somewhere.

Hey, Romania, knock this moon rock off our shoulder. Go ahead, make our day.

We need you guys to distract us so we will stop destroying ourselves. You’ve got to help us get back to the days when we didn’t worry about each other so much because we were too busy trying to win the nuclear arms race.

Back when the USSR was around, we got things done. Technological and scientific developments, fueled by our need to be the only Superpower, paved the way for many of the modern conveniences we enjoy today. The economy expanded like no other time in history.

So, show us what you’ve got, Putin. If you hurry, you might just be able to get a hockey team back together for the next Olympics. Remember the Miracle on Ice in 1980? We know that one’s still stuck in your craw. “Do you believe in miracles? USA! USA! USA!” Remember? Break out those old CCCP uniforms, we’re begging you.

I’m sure Olga Korbut and Nadia Comanechi have a couple of granddaughters bouncing around in a gym somewhere. Call them, already! You can even use your own judges, wink, wink.

Do you know how boring it is when the most exciting thing about the Olympics is trying to beat Finland in curling?

Maybe we could even go in together and get that Berlin Wall put back up. What do you have to lose? Let’s face it, we’re never going to come to blows. We would be like those neighbors who can’t stand each other but not enough to whack the other’s mailbox.

Just stay out of Cuba. That’s still a deal-breaker; and, if you think we’re too busy infighting to notice if you tried moving in down there, you’re dead wrong. Probably.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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