My Funnel Cake Abstinence Confession

barry currin, beaverdamusa.comI have never eaten a funnel cake.

There, I said it. I realize this isn’t “the truth will set you free” territory, but it is kind of a big deal. Let me explain.

As someone who loves to buy food from a sweaty guy through a sliding window from anything on wheels, the funnel cake is right in the middle of my culinary wheelhouse. Over the years, I have passed up hundreds of chances to eat one. When our son Grant was younger, he sang and played guitar at fairs and festivals. We traveled far and wide doing this, and it was probably the most fun I have ever had doing anything. Yes, I was living a bit vicariously through him, but that’s a story for another day. The point is, if your town is particularly proud of its native fruit, nut or flower and you have a festival, chances are we played there.

Actually, he played there. I watched. Vicariousness rears its ugly head again.

And now, in my capacity with Kim Currin Creations, I find myself at festivals on a regular basis yet again. Our calendar is packed this fall with a cornucopia of events where Kim will be exhibiting her glass art. This weekend, it’s the Homesteads Apple Festival in Crossville, Tenn. There will be baked apples, caramel apples, apple pies, apple muffins, apple turnovers, you name it.

There will also be funnel cakes. If it is like every other time, I will walk by, pause, think, then keep going.

For some reason, this has become a “thing” for me — almost a badge of honor.

Some men become researchers and cure diseases. Others fjord rivers with cannons hoisted to defeat rival nations while fighting for the sovereignty of their homeland.

And my badge of honor, on the other hand, is the fact that I have never eaten a funnel cake. You may swoon now, ladies.

I keep waiting for someone from A&E to call me and say they want me to star in their new reality show, “Extreme Funnel Cake Abstainers,” but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m still holding out for the Surgeon General to declare powdered sugar as hazardous to our health. Every day I expect to look on Facebook and wistfully sigh as I scroll by the Which Funnel Cake are You quiz.

It may have something to do with pouring the batter through a funnel, which is a tool I commonly use to add oil to the lawnmower. And then again, the look of the finished product just doesn’t appeal to me. They say we eat with our eyes first.

Regardless of the reason, as we head off to another festival this weekend, look me up. Lunch will likely consist of “something on a stick.” But dessert probably will not happen at the funnel cake trailer.


About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him:


  1. Zach Clayton says:

    You are missing heaven on a paper plate. You haven’t lived until you have devoured that plate of batter-crack and had a face covered in more powder that Darryl Strawberry or Joan Rivers.

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