My Shopping Declaration Backfires Again

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comBy the time you read this, all the gifts have been opened, “All I Want for Christmas is You” is mercifully done for another year, and the people who decorated the day after Halloween have already taken it all down.

Congratulations, you survived another one.

I hope I do, too. But right now, it’s Christmas Eve, and I’m exhausted.

Kim and I didn’t finish up our Christmas shopping until the 23rd. We — she especially — aren’t too proud of that. But that’s just the way it worked out this year.

We went to four stores, which took the bulk of the afternoon. When we finished, I declared I would not go into a store on Christmas Eve for any reason.

The same exact thing happens every time I declare something.

It is around noon on Christmas Eve, and I just got back to the office after leaving my seventh store of the day.

Seven stores, on Christmas Eve.

To beat all, three out of the seven are the same stores I was in yesterday.

When I have to run errands on a regular day, I map out exactly how I will do it to minimize left turns, and avoid the worst intersections and slowest red lights in town.

All that goes to pot around the holidays, though.

It’s not all my fault, though.

There is 10 times the traffic this time of year. I am convinced zombies make up part of it.

At one point today, I was sitting behind a car at a stop light, and when the light turned green he squealed his tires and flew to the next red light where he did the same thing when it turned green.

I followed him onto the divided four-lane that runs through the middle of town.

He tailgated the cars in front of him, and zigged and zagged. I thought maybe one of his passengers was choking on a chicken bone, and he was heading toward the hospital.

Finally, he turned into the left-turn lane and instead of crossing over into a parking lot, he proceed to head north in the southbound lanes.

Miraculously, he only met a couple of cars during his 50-foot wrong-way jaunt. Finally, he cut diagonally into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant.

Give me fries or give me death, I suppose.

A few minutes later, I saw something almost more peculiar.

It was a car with a sticker stuck to it which I believe was a picture of the actor Bill Murray.

I’ve always liked Bill Murray. In fact, “What About Bob?” is one of my favorite movies. If you’ve never seen it, you should.

But who puts a picture of Bill Murray on their car?

Christmastime zombie people, that’s who. Maybe it’s their signal to each other. I’m going to be on the lookout for more.

Then after that, I saw what appeared to be a pretty significant car crash, and it made me sad because that’s the way those people are going to remember Christmas for a long time.

I sure hope it wasn’t you.

I also hope you had a joyous season, regardless of what or how you celebrate.

And if you’re one of those holiday zombies, hopefully I’ll see you again next year.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him:

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