Does He Worship NASCAR? 16 Ways to Tell

dam thoughts, barry currin, beaverdamusa.comMuch has been made about the Tennessee woman who allegedly ran her car through a church last Sunday night then stabbed her husband because the devil told her he was worshiping NASCAR. According to dozens of news reports, police say Stephanie Faye Hamman, 23, crashed through the wall of the empty church — which is across the street from their residence — called her husband for help and stabbed him when he got there. The husband, Steven, was reported to be in fair condition.

Everybody is blaming Stephanie. The New York Daily News called her “crazed.” The Orlando Sentinel called it a “creepy case.”

Not so fast. Maybe Steven was worshiping NASCAR. Maybe Stephanie saw the warning signs.

She didn’t have her head in the sand. You shouldn’t either. So in the interest of public safety, here is a list of ways to tell if your husband (or wife) is worshiping NASCAR:

worship nascar

Marriage is a journey, this is a race.

1. Does he refer to Dale, Junior and Adolph Coors as the Father, Son and Holy Spirit?

2. Instead of saying, “Hon, we need to get gas,” does he say, “Hon, it’s time to pit the Number 2 Miller Lite Ford Fusion Car?”

3. When he mows the yard and it starts raining, does he declare a rain delay and come inside to watch video of himself mowing the yard last year?

4. Does he cut doughnuts in the front yard when he beats the neighbor home from work?

5. Did he put a Sunoco sticker on your great grandmother’s Hoveround?

6. Did he go to Bristol on your honeymoon (with the guys instead of with you)?

7. Did he absent-mindedly give you the “Talladega Nights” DVD for your birthday 2 years in a row?

8. Did he convert to Seventh Day Adventist just so he could have all day Sunday free?

9. Does he change tires every time he gets gas?

10. When the family reunion is over, does he shake up a 2-liter Diet Coke and spew your cousins?

11. Does he make you sing the National Anthem while he stands outside your car before a trip to the grocery store?

12. Does he make your neighbor put on heels and a tight Spandex dress and hand him a trophy every Sunday afternoon about 5:00?

13. Is that neighbor named Earl?

14. Is he working on a sponsorship deal with Budweiser for your kid’s stroller?

15. When you’re the first car at a stoplight, does he refer that as “sitting on the pole?”

16. When things don’t go too well in the bedroom, does he blame it on the Restrictor Plate?

Is this your life? Don’t despair. You can get things back on track, so to speak. Just talk it out; after all, marriage is a journey, the Ford EcoBlast 400 is a race.

And it’s the last race of the year, by the way. So stay away from sharp objects until Nov. 16.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him:

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