Kale: The Scapegoat for January Cooking Segments


Kale. Great taste. Less filling.

They say only 8 percent of people keep their New Year’s Resolutions. That sounds about right. And that probably even includes those hilarious jokesters who resolve to “eat fewer Brussels’s sprouts” or “gain 10 pounds” or “exercise less.” Regardless, if you are one of the at-least 92 percent who chuck it all before all the confetti is swept up in Time’s Square, it’s not your fault.

So what flips us from Jenny Craig to Little Debbie? Television, of course. Oh, they know us so well.

I love to watch programming evolve during January — especially during those talk show cooking segments.

First week of January: “Kale is a perfect side dish for your 2-ounce turkey breast cutlet. Just boil it and sprinkle a little bit of salt, and it’s yummy.”

Second week of January: “…and kale will go great with your lean sirloin steak. Just saute it in 2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil, and it’s pretty yummy.”

Third week of January: “If you’re watching your weight, kale is the answer. And it’s so easy, you don’t even have to cook it. Just drench it in hot bacon grease, and it cooks itself. If you put enough blue cheese dressing on there, you almost forget you’re eating it! And it goes perfectly with that breakfast bloody Mary.”

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Fourth week of January: “Here’s a great way to serve hot wings: put a thick layer of kale over a stack of 4 or 5 Styrofoam plates to use as a garnish. Actually, kale isn’t even edible. That’s why it’s so cheap. So use as much as you want. Now, this is important: make sure to put a layer of plastic wrap over the kale, because you don’t want that gross kale funk even touching the wings. (Audience whoops. Hear it in your mind.) After you stuff yourself with wings, eat a quarter cup of pure mayonnaise to cleanse your palate before the pizza gets there!”

That takes us to February. Now we’re confused. It’s still cold and we have a chronic case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Thank God we have TV to make us feel better. Maybe George, Lara, Kathie Lee, Hoda or even Katie Couric can brighten our day… I can already hear it.

Coming up next: Our Gardening Reporter, Farmer Bob, will show us how to rid our yards of that invasive creeping green enemy — you guessed it: Kale: Weed of the Devil.”

Come here, Little Debbie. Have a seat. You have your faults, but at least you never choked out our Bermuda grass.

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About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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