‘I Thee Wed… What’s-Her-Name’

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comFirst off, let me stress that I am not making this up. This is not me exaggerating for effect or making an early April Fool’s Day joke. Sit down and mentally prepare yourself for what I am about to share with you.

Let me set the scene.

This is a beautiful spring morning. Through my office window, I can see a pair of cardinals hopping in a tree. The bright-red male vividly stands out, while his mate with her muted gray feathers blends in against a backdrop of limbs and branches. I’ve always marveled at this chivalrous peculiarity of nature — the male cardinal, painted red to attract all the attention and thereby protect the mother of his children from a hungry varmint.

Okay, so I’m no Robert Frost. Just bear with me.

All the pieces were in place for a blissful start to the day. Then I ruined it all by taking a break and turning on the TV for 10 minutes.

During that 10 minutes, I learned about a show called “Married at First Sight.” In this program, a panel of so-called experts puts together three or four couples from a pool of willing participants. These couples do not meet until their marriage ceremony starts. They truly get til-death-do-us-part married the first time they see each other.

That’s the bad news.

Here’s the worse news: it’s in its second season, which means enough advertisers lined up after the first season to walk down the aisle again.

I have never been a fan of reality TV. I am simply not interested in who gets kicked off the island, who gets the rose, what the Kardashians are up to or how the Robertsons think everyone should act.

But, I am morbidly curious about “Marriage at First Sight.” How in the world could people volunteer for a social experiment where the winner marries someone they have never met?

One of the participants said he volunteered for the show because so many marriages resulting from traditional courtships are failing. That’s like flapping your arms real hard and jumping off a skyscraper because you are afraid to fly in a plane.

I hope the producers of this show attach a hidden microphone to the bride and groom to capture that magical moment when they first see each other. I can hear some of the spontaneous comments now:

“Mom?”

“Oh, great. It’s Marvin from bookkeeping.”

“Why are you holding a cat?”

“Let’s hurry this along. We’ve got a Tilt-A-Whirl to set up.”

Who doesn’t remember spending their honeymoon trying to learn their spouse’s name? Imagine that precious moment when the new hubby tells you why you cannot live within 500 feet of a school for the next 3 years.

Heck, let’s just go on and get a baby on the way so when the holy matrimony thingy goes down the tubes in 11 days, the couple can continue their acting career on “Custody Wars” – which I am convinced probably already exists.

It’s almost too sad to joke about.

Those cardinals outside the window mate for life. But, even with their little bird brains, I’ll bet they shop around a day or two before deciding who to settle down with.

Until this morning, I thought humans did the same thing.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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