The Sad Election We Can’t Ever Undo

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comThis election was a disaster.

The results will affect the entire world for generations.

How could we get it so wrong?

I’m sorry, wheelbarrow. Boot, you had a good run. And thimble, oh, thimble. We will miss you.

By now you’ve probably heard that these three classic Monopoly game pieces were voted out in an online contest and replaced by a tyrannosaurs rex, a duck and a penguin. More than 4 million people from 146 countries voted.

The internet strikes again.

This is ridiculous.

First of all, the T-rex is scaly instead of smooth like the rest of the pieces. Plus, it looks like it could eat the car in one bite.

The duck is billed (sorry) as a rubber duck, but it’s not rubber. If it were rubber, at least that would make it a little cooler — the way the rope is made out of plastic in Clue.

I’ve never understood peoples’ fascination with penguins in the first place. And the Monopoly penguin has this smart aleck, narcissistic look on his face that reminds me of the selfies people take when they go to the beach.

While we’re changing the iconic pieces, why stop there? We could get rid of the Scottie dog and the car and replace them with a vape pipe and a cellphone. Why not make one out of plastic that looks like a Kardashian? 

I’m sure the move was a marketing ploy to make the game appeal to younger people.

In trying to accomplish that, we ended up with an animal that became extinct a million years ago, a duck that won’t float and a bird that lives on the ice and swims instead of flies.

It could’ve been worse, if you can believe it. 

Also on the ballot were a computer, a bunny slipper, an emoji face and a monster truck for heaven’s sake.

Can you imagine if the inventor of Monopoly were reincarnated to see a monster truck spewing carbon monoxide all over St. James Place?

I’ve got an idea. Let’s not stop with changing the pieces. 

Let’s jack up the price of Boardwalk to a $12.2 million and turn it into a mixed-use development with a Chili’s in the parking lot.

Let’s cave into pressure from MoveOn.org and change the name of Oriental Avenue to something less offensive. While we’re at it, let’s change the name of Marvin Gardens, simply because Marvin Gardens is a dumb name in the first place.

We could gentrify Baltic Avenue. And we need to anyway, because it is only a block from our new domed stadium we built for our new NFL team, which we plan to pay for with the revenue from Luxury Tax.

Oh, wait, I forgot. We eliminated Luxury Tax and shifted that burden to the working poor who play Monopoly.

I mean, how are we going to afford a skybox if we have to pay a Luxury Tax?

Monopoly is a classic game. It was created in the early 20th century and reflects the period.

The thimble, wheelbarrow and boot are all signs of the times.

I always liked to think these pieces represented peoples’ lifestyles. They should be preserved.

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.

The next time I play Monopoly, I’m going to get the red convertible from the Game of Life, I’m going to stick a blue peg in the driver’s seat for me. Then I’m going to get the prettiest pink peg and stick her next to me.

Then I’m going to get two more blue pegs and two more pink pegs to represent our two kids and their two friends who they insisted on bringing on the trip because my Hawaiian shirt embarrasses them.

That’s what I’m going to use as my Monopoly piece, and I am going to beat the stew out of whoever is the T-rex, the rubber ducky and especially the penguin.

Just land on my redeveloped mixed-use Boardwalk and see what happens, Mr Penguin.

And don’t even think about eating at my Chili’s.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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