Dear Mr. Monopoly Man: We Won’t Be Passing ‘Go’ Together

monopolyI don’t play online games much. I tried Candy Crush and got to Level 2, but I quit because, a) I just didn’t get it, and, b) it made me crave those really sour gummy candy things. That’s all I need.

But a few days ago, in a moment of weakness, I downloaded Monopoly Slots. It has funny noises and bells. When I play it, I’m like a cat pawing at the TV screen while watching fish swim around. But it’s not just bells and whistles; it’s also the little Monopoly man. First, he looks at you. Then when you spin, he looks back at the screen. And when you win, he claps. I especially like that. I don’t have enough incoming applause in my life.

Here’s the problem: There are at least 125 little symbols with 15 showing all at once. When I win, I have no idea why I did.  And when I lose I don’t understand that either. But sometimes the planets align and it just goes crazy and little pictures of coins fall all across the screen. Mr. Monopoly Man dances a little jig, and people scream and applaud.

And then I paw at the screen some more.

So there I sat on a cold Sunday afternoon waiting for the Super Bowl to star, spinning away, punching the “Max Bet” button like a rooster in a corn crib. And of course, pretty soon — just like with real slot machines — all my points were gone. I figured I could just reset it and start over.

Nope. Not even close. Get this: it wanted me to pay for more points so I could keep on playing. I kid you not. Real money.

Let me get this straight, Mr. Monopoly Man: I give you real money, and you turn it into pictures of money, which I will lose in 20 minutes because this is a game of chance, and I cannot even understand what wins and what loses.

Yes, there’s a sucker born every minute, but this isn’t my minute to be one. I think I’ll swing over to the pretend lounge and order one of those pretend daiquiris, Mr. Monopoly Man. Who knows, maybe I’ll download it again, win big, and you can comp me a pretend suite.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him:

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