The NBA Offseason;
Shorter Than a Bad Cold
Don’t get me wrong. I love basketball. Even played a little back in the day. That was where I learned the character-building effect that running bleachers has on a young man. But I don’t love the NBA. Can’t watch it. It’s more predictable than professional wrestling and just about as real in my opinion. Nobody plays defense, and there always seems to be some scandal bigger than the game. But every year someone finally, mercifully wins the title. And then dang if the next season doesn’t start three days later. Where’s the anticipation? No team in any sport needs to play five thousand games a season. Lots of things last longer than the NBA offseason. Here is a top-ten list:
- A moderate to severe cold. And remember, cold and flu season is upon us, so wash your hands.
- “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” You know, the poem. ‘Twas the night before Christmas. Since I am a professional educator, here’s a history lesson. Clement Clarke Moore wrote it in 1823. He also proved his kids didn’t have Attention Deficit Disorder.
- Season II of “Basketball Wives.” Apparently there is a show called “Basketball Wives.” Who watches this stuff?
- The blessing before last year’s Thanksgiving meal at my house. After about 20 minutes of Uncle Ralph’s sermonette, I just couldn’t help it. I gave in, opened one eye and there was that plump, moist turkey, the steaming dressing, the rich gravy. But I couldn’t dig in because Ralph apparently was trying to pray away that McGriddle he must’ve had on the way over. By the time he finished, the mashed potatoes were rock hard and Green Bay-Detroit was at the half.
- The expiration date on milk. What they do to milk nowadays that makes it last a month?
- Crushed ice in a Styrofoam cup. It lasts forever.
- Waiting on a pizza delivery. I’m flashing the porch light. I’m waving my arms. But the delivery slacker still goes to the neighbor’s house.
- “Rapper’s Delight” by the Sugarhill Gang. You probably know I don’t like this kind of music much. (Give me Willie or Waylon.) But the kids seemed to like it. Came out in 1979 when I had only been teaching a dozen years. Incidentally, it peaked at #36 on the Billboard Hot 100. Went to #1 in Canada. Explain that.
- The NBA playoffs. It seems that way, doesn’t it. Read this in your announcer voice: Yes sports fans, 72 teams made it to the NBA playoffs this year, including a custodial crew, a superfluity of nuns and the remaining cast members from “Gilligan’s Island.” Look up superfluity if you don’t believe me.
- And the Number One thing lasting longer than the NBA off-season: this blog. I’m out. Maybe I’ll give it a chance this season; who knows? Jordan still plays, right?
’til next time, give me 20, slackers.
Coach Billy Jack Hoover