What’s the Record for Shortest Resolution?

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comEvery year during those glorious and precious-few carefree days between Christmas and New Year’s, I make a list of things I want to accomplish.

Most of the items on the list are business related — ideas I think are fun, exciting and hopefully profitable that I want to explore during the year.

If I told you about those, some of you would be intrigued, but most of you would think I’m a nut.

This time around, however, I dedicated part of this list to personal goals I want to accomplish.

I decided doing this was necessary right after a momentary lapse of reason around Dec. 30 when I invented chocolate eggnog.

You should try it.

Here we are beginning the first full week of January, and I can report that a few of my New Year’s resolutions are already on life support.

I won’t go into too much detail about them. If you make resolutions, yours are probably similar to mine for the most part — exercise more, lose weight, cut back on the chocolate eggnog.

Some of my resolutions, though, are a little different.

One is to let go of the things I cannot control.

This is going to be a challenge. Right now, someone behind my house is running a chainsaw. They’ve been running it for the past 4 hours, and it’s not even lunchtime yet.

I complained about noisy leaf blowers here a few months back.

This is worse.

A few years ago, I diagnosed myself as having what is called a highly sensitive personality. Among other things, this means loud noises affect me more than they may affect you.

I’m not sure how much I can change this. It’s how I’m wired together.

But since I’m going to try, I guess this is where I should say, “Blaze up that Poulan, Bubba, and cut down everything in sight. You’re not bothering me one bit.”

Of course if I did actually say that, he couldn’t hear me over the horrible, relentless, constant racket.

Obviously, this one is a work in progress.

Another resolution that didn’t get off the ground too quickly was not sweating the small stuff as I sometimes do.

I mailed a five-page contract to someone last week. I put two stamps on the letter to ensure it had plenty of postage. I even put a double-stamped return envelope in there to entice the person to hurry up and sign it and send it back.

Then I dropped the envelope in a commercial mailbox — one where you can’t go back and get your letter back out.

Don’t we all know how this is going to end.

When I got back to my office, I realized I had left out the page where the signatures go.

Since the signature page is pretty much the essence of the contract, I was fairly disappointed in myself.

What did not disappoint me, however, was the plethora of creative ideas I had to get the letter out of the mailbox.

The best one included a piece of string, a rock and rubber cement.

You know, I’ve heard those country club Federal prisons aren’t too bad. I would be put in minimum security. Martha Stewart never missed a beat.

And I’ll bet if I were a model prisoner, I could even get chocolate eggnog.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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