An Open Apology to Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, try serving up a meal like this instead of walloping the person who cuts in front of you to get the last Xbox. (Photo by Cloned Milkmen / CC BY)

Dear Thanksgiving,

We know things have been tough for you lately, and I for one am sorry.

You were always the most restful holiday. We’d get up, watch the parade, maybe travel over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s while the sun burned the frost into fog along the countryside. Hickory smoke wafted from chimneys. There were no gifts to worry about and not much traffic. There was no pressure to look good in a bathing suit for you. You were perfect. How could we screw you up so badly?

I know you hate the word “doorbusters” as much as I do. I know you hate Black Friday. But I also know you now hate pre-Black Friday even worse. Thanks Wal-Mart, Toys R Us, Target, Kohl’s, etc., etc., and unfortunately… etc.

“Don’t wait ’til Thanksgiving to shop… Shop at the Thanksgiving Now Sale,” the Belk commercial said on the Monday morning before Thanksgiving.

We shouldn’t blame it all on the retailers, though. We feed the monster. Blame those who strap on the pads, find the one credit card that isn’t maxed out and get up at 4 a.m., only to buy an $8 flatscreen — even though we don’t need another television at any price. Somewhere, one of us will get trampled busting through the door in the dark. Countless others will lose control and fight over the last Xbox, still reeking of giblet gravy. I hope people in other countries don’t watch the US news on Thanksgiving night. We’re greedy, we’re sad, we’re lemmings; it would be nice to keep that little secret in the family.

How did we let it happen? Maybe you need your own songs. That couldn’t hurt. Has anyone ever written you a song? If they have I don’t know it. And if they did now, it would probably be called “‘Twas the day before Black Friday.” What even rhymes with doorbusters anyway? Of course, Labor Day doesn’t have any songs, and it is still a fairly relevant holiday. But then again, Labor Day hasn’t become a token day off from work now known primarily for kicking off the most selfish time of the year.

Thanksgiving, maybe you could pull strings, call the Wal-Marts of the world and get those doorbuster sales moved back to Labor Day. Then you’d be back the way you used to be, and we could make the Butterball hotline the most commercial thing about Thanksgiving.

If that worked, maybe we could try to get the spirit of Christmas back, too.

 

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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