Polar Vortex: Coming to a Theater Near You

The Polar Vortex. It sounds more like a Disney movie than a freaky weather phenomenon. But there’s no Prince Charming here. And I don’t think Tom Hanks is going to voice-over any of the characters.

No, the Polar Vortex has more of a Stephen King vibe. Read this in your best movie trailer voice:

Imagine a world where suburban families take out payday loans just so they can hoard up all the milk and bread at Publix — even though they rarely drink milk and hate sandwiches. This is a world where pets pee in the kitchen floor and don’t get their noses rubbed in it. In this world, the moans in the night are not Zombies — they’re the heat pump as it struggles to maintain a comfy temperature of 71 degrees. This isn’t earth. This is… Polar… Vortex. Coming to theaters Memorial Day.

Makes you want to stick your head in the large buttered popcorn tub.

Actually, the Polar Vortex is an interesting phenomenon. I stumbled upon scienceblogs.com, and found “Go Home Arctic, You’re Drunk” by biological anthropologist Greg Laden.

He explains, “The Polar Vortex, a huge system of swirling air that normally contains the polar cold air has shifted so it is not sitting right on the pole as it usually does. We are not seeing an expansion of cold, an ice age, or an anti-global warming phenomenon. We are seeing the usual cold polar air taking an excursion.”

An excursion. Like Canadians invading Tampa.

He goes on to point out, “So, this cold weather we are having does not disprove global warming.”

In case you missed it, that was Mr. Laden’s way of saying, “Can the Al Gore jokes.”

Al didn’t promise us 72 and sunny year round. Maybe he should have, but I digress.

In case you’re interested, I also saw this article about climate change in the Washington Post. I invite you to pour yourself a half-gallon of milk, make a bread sandwich, some bread pudding, French toast, Texas toast, regular toast, croutons, sumpin’ on a shingle, and indulge yourself.

As for me, I’ve got to go check the kitchen floor.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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