No! I Said ‘Insert Your PIN, your PIN!’

Hey, Buddy, You Need to Learn
to Show that ATM Some Respect

dam thoughts, barry currin, beaverdamusa.comDid you see the story about the man who reportedly walked into a bar, pulled down his pants thereby exposing himself, and tried to have sexual intercourse with an ATM?

It sounds like a setup to the world’s worst joke, but unfortunately it’s not.

The Tennessean reported the story, which went on to quote police reports which said employees then escorted him outside (with great caution, I presume). At that point, he exposed himself again and tried to do the same thing to a wooden picnic table.

Talk about a tree hugger. (Now, that may be the world’s worst joke. Our staff is checking.) I wonder if the juke box was playing the old song, “Don’t the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time?” I’m mainly afraid the pool table will find out, and you know how she can be when she gets jealous.

On a serious note, here. Hats off to the bar for having an ATM. That’s pretty capitalistic. I’m sure it never had a transaction quite like that one, but at least it will have a story to tell the repairman when he gets there. (I have known ATM repairmen and know for a fact they talk to the machines.) I wonder how long it will take someone to muster up the nerve to look at the surveillance tape? I wouldn’t want that job.

Let’s not forget the poor picnic table. Second choice. Miss Congeniality. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I thought it was funny that the police made sure to mention the table was wooden. Maybe she arranged for a strategically-placed splinter to teach this guy to dance with the one he brung next time.

And why was there a picnic table at the bar anyway? I’m sure glad a happy vacationing family wasn’t chomping on ham sandwiches. That would be a scene worthy of Clark Griswold.

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I don’t guess the jokes would ever end. Most of the ones I can think of get pretty gross in a hurry. I don’t know what would cause someone to do this. Well, yeah, I do. Alcohol — as in the Brad Paisley song of the same title which starts, “I can make anybody pretty.” Maybe the songwriters need to go back into the writing room and add a third verse to include romancing a money-spitting computer.

Yes, technology is changing the world we live in. They say in a few decades computers will be able to reason the same way the human brain does. Maybe this guy was just trying to use his spawn to speed up the process. Who knows, maybe in 9 months, the ATM will birth a little piggy bank that will grow up with the ability to give your checking account balance while breaking the county hot wing eating record.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him:

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