Let’s Make the Government Shutdown Work for Us

If You Do Your Own TV Ads, Beware

The government shutdown has obviously affected lots of people. I truly feel for those furloughed employees who probably aren’t going to be able to make their house payment this month. But let’s be real here. Our sprawling Federal bureaucracy contains a few agencies that probably would never be missed. I say let’s put those good people to work doing something that could really make a difference. Here are some ideas:

The Turn Signal Accountability Act. This one is simple: You don’t use your turn signal, you have to pick up litter wearing a bright orange vest with “I SAW YOU SITTING THERE, BUT I WAS TOO BUSY TALKING ON THE PHONE TO SIGNAL” emblazoned on the back. This also applies to those drivers who never turn theirs off, but instead of picking up litter, they just get their black knee socks confiscated.

The Department of Kardashian Control. (Yes, I could’ve started Control with a K, but I didn’t want to hack-up this otherwise exceptional literary piece.) These people need to be counted and tagged for observation. And here’s why. The first time any of us heard the name  Kardashian was when attorney Robert helped keep O.J. Simpson out of jail. Then we take a long nap, and poof! Robert’s gone. Bruce Jenner has moved in. Kanye West is his son-in-law. And they all exist among these 6-foot-tall synthetic women who apparently live at the airport and whose only purpose is to put on sunglasses, grab a couple dozen shopping bags and outrun photographers staked out at the baggage carousel. I can tell you what would happen if I did that in an airport, and it involves the TSA, surgical gloves and some sort of probe. This department could control other celebrity families as well. Imagine waking up in 2023 and learning that John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi are suddenly Miley Cyrus’ parents. These guys keep stuff like that from happening.

The Agency for Waste Collection Consistency. These Federal employees ensure that the garbage truck comes at the same time of day every week. This cuts down on the number of overweight old guys flailing their arms running down the driveway with an untied robe flapping in the breeze behind them. This department would also regulate the USPS, FedEx and UPS.

The Singing Show Reduction Agency. Come on people, can we not limit the number of times we have to endure a celebrity judge critiquing some poor guy’s karaoke version of “Don’t Stop Believing”? This agency would also limit the number of contestants per show who had to overcome some horrible childhood trauma then walk 495 miles barefoot in the snow make it to the blind auditions. This act also covers dancing, sword swallowing, modeling and cooking talent shows. Agents refer to themselves as “Howie Mandelos.”

The Department for the Elimination of Bad Advertising. This isn’t what you think. If someone tells me I can lose 50 pounds and look like Brad Pitt by the weekend and I buy their creme, then I’m the idiot, and it’s not the government’s fault. Instead, this law is enforced at the local level, and it stops business owners from doing their own advertising. So if you learned English from The Beverly Hillbillies, you have to read your own name from a cue card and you throw in your 2-year-old kid at the end to mutter something unintelligible, let’s just say Uncle Sam is coming for you. In 2018, it also phases in lawyer commercials. For the record, I pushed for 2015.

The Daisy Dukes Song Control Act.  This limits the number of songs to 50 that any country artist can record which makes reference to:

  • a 6-pack of Bud Light
  • tequila
  • bonfires
  • Dixie Cups
  • a party a couple of miles out of town
  • tailgates
  • tank tops
  • Hank Williams or Lynyrd Skynyrd songs

Of course, by doing this we risk a Debbie Boone comeback. Maybe we should tack on an “anti-You Light Up My Life” provision and form a bi-partisan committee to work together and find some middle ground.

Nah, that would never happen.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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