Sleep Well Tonight, Fair Citizens; Sleep Well

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comI am now a superhero.

It happened over the weekend in three unrelated events.

Since only the best superheroes can avert a variety of tragedies, I feel like I’m going in the right direction.

My first act of heroism occurred Saturday afternoon in the Dollar General parking lot. We had been to the store earlier that day and picked up four bags full of stuff, but by afternoon we realized we had forgotten a few things. Obviously, that was before I was a superhero, because superheroes don’t forget the laundry detergent.

At halftime of the Tennessee game, I volunteered to go back. Since I’ve already seen the Vols punt 2,000 or so times this year, I figured I could survive if I missed a minute or two of the second half.

The parking lot slopes away from the building. As soon as I got out of the car, I saw an empty buggy beginning to roll toward the first row of parked cars.

I began walking fast toward it. Then, it started to pick up steam, so I had to break into a full-on trot to save the day.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw an employee come outside with both hands over her mouth and her eyes open wide.

She turned out to be my first damsel in distress.

Incident No. 2 happened Sunday morning at church when I realized at the last minute I was needed to help take up the offering.

It was the first time, incidentally, I had taken up the offering since I was about 12. In the church I grew up in, doing this was a great honor for boys. We even got our names in the bulletin.

I didn’t realize then it was all part of my superhero training.

The third incident of the weekend was by far my most shining moment. Kim made chili Sunday evening, and we had planned all day to eat it while we finished up the series we were watching on Netflix.

When I turned the TV on, I got the dreaded “We’re Having Trouble Playing This Title Right Now” message.

Horrors.

I tried another show, then another, all of which gave me the same message.

So I leapt to my feet, and I raced to turn the machine off. After 5 seconds I turned it back on, and voila. We were watching zombies getting slashed in no time.

Kim said, “My hero,” and I picked up the remote, because what she really said was, “Could you turn it up a little bit?” Don’t worry. She’ll come around.

All superheroes need a name. As you know, the good ones are already taken. I was considering Buggy Catching Man, but like I said, I don’t want to pigeonhole myself into one tragedy when there are so many.

I also really need a cool car. I mean, the Mighty Prius is great, but people rarely gasp and point when I drive by. I need something that makes people gasp and point.

I don’t want to be too flashy, but I want a cape. There again, all the good colors are already spoken for, so I’m still working on that.

If you want to be considered to be my mild-mannered sidekick, let me know.

Successful applicants will have a really cool car.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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