The Beagles Take on Disney for ‘Dog With a Blog’

barks between beagles,“Okay, read what you have so far.”

“Dear Mr. Disney: It has come to our attention that your show, Dog With a Blog, has similarities to our publication, Barks Between Beagles.”

“Is that it? You’ve been working on this for a week!”

“Well I don’t know what else to say.”

“Say something about copyright infringement.”

“Dear Mr. Disney: It has come to our attention that your show, Dog With a Blog, is infringing on the copyright for our Barks Between Beagles publication.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere! Ask them to cease and desist immediately!”

“… and we demand that you cease and desist immdeiately…”

“Now tell them what we will do if they don’t.”

“… or we will…”


“What will we do if they don’t?”

“Go on a hunger strike!”

“Yeah, right. We tried that once. Remember? It lasted about 30 minutes.”

“Yeah, I remember. I was starving!”

“Me, too! Hey, what does cease and desist mean, anyway?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well where did you hear it?”

“Reruns of The Andy Griffith Show. You know that time Opie got stuck with the Miracle Salve and Barney pretended to be a lawyer to scare the Miracle Salve people into giving him his money back?”

“Oh, Good Heaven’s. You’re a regular Johnnie Cochran.”

“Well, do you have a better idea?”

“Well… it is nearly time for…”

Dog With a Blog is coming on! I love that show!”

“Me, too! Stan is a cutie…”


Dog Allergies

barks between beagles fp“Ah, ah, ah, choo!”

“Bless you.”

“Thank you.”

“You know what I think?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“I think your allergies wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t put your face to the ground and rub it back and forth so much.”

“Oh, is that so? For your information, Miss. Smarty Pants, that’s how I deal with stress. It soothes me.”

“You know what soothes me?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“A long nap.”

“All you ever do is sleep.”

“Well at least I don’t waste my time aggravating my allergies by rubbing my face in the ground.”

“Keep it up and I’ll go do it on that wild onion patch over there. We sleep in the same crate, you know.”

“You’d be smarter to go hit that clover. You might find a four-leaf and it might bring you good luck.”

“Then my allergies might be gone!”

“You’re so gullible.”

Barks Between Beagles: Gloria Steinem

By Mindy Kittay of Boulder, Colorado [CC-BY-2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Happy birthday, Gloria! Love, Ginger and MaryAnn

“Guess who’s about to turn 80?”

“I don’t know… Milton Berle?”

“Milton Berle died in 2002.”

“How’d you know that?”


“I hate Jeopardy.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“So who’s turning 80?”

“Gloria Steinem.”

“Happy birthday, Gloria. You are a shining beacon for gender equality.”

“A true pioneer.”

“Do you know what I think was her most important accomplishment?”


“Dispelling the notion that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.”

“It’s hard to believe anyone ever really thought that.”

“We’ve come so far.”

“Thank you, Gloria.”

Springtime Human Noise

barks between beagles fp“What is that noise?”

“Annoying, isn’t it. I think it’s a chainsaw.”

“Sounds more like a leaf blower to me.”

“Then why did you ask me what it was if you knew–  Oh, good grief, now there’s a lawnmower firing up.”

“I am going crazy from all this springtime human noise.”

“They don’t care.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I think that we get on their nerves when we bark. So they’re just paying us back.”

“Come on. Seriously?”

“I do. Think about it: they’re always telling us to be quiet.”

“They’re talking to us?”

“Of course they are. They call us by name.”

“I just don’t like to think about it.”

“Ah, denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt.”

“Nice pun.”

“Nah, it’s as old as the hills.”

“Hey, there’s a bird. Wanna bark at it?”

“Nah, he couldn’t hear us over all this freakin’ noise!

“I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to speak up.”

Buttercups: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

barks between beagles,

“I know, right?”

“How much do you love this weather, sis?”

“I know, right? Winter was soooo long.”

“But that getting-to-go-inside thing was nice, though.”

“That rocked like a boss.”

“Why are you talking like that? You’re too old to be trying to talk like a puppy.”

“I’m as young as I feel, and I feel like I’m about 17 in people years.”

“Let’s see… that makes you 119 in dog years.”

“No, you did it backwards. Seventeen in dog years is 2 and a half in people years.”

“I’m confused.”

“About what?”

“You titled this blog, ‘Buttercups: Not just for Breakfast Anymore.’”

“I know. That’s because they’re not. They’re good all day long.”

“Plus they’re high in fiber.”

“Oh, yeah, like you’ve ever had any trouble going to the –”

“–Look! A butterfly!”

“They’re not just for breakfast anymore.”

“I know, right?”





barks between beagles“You know what I need?”

“Oh, let me guess. A bicycle. What?”

“A Tervis.”

“Why on earth do you need a Tervis?”

“To keep my beverage cold… or hot. And they come in all your favorite sports teams’ colors.”

“Oh, really. What’s your favorite sports team?”

“Duh. The Cincinnati Beagles, of course.”

“For Heaven’s sake, that’s Cincinnati Bengals.”

“Are you sure, because I’m pretty sure it’s Cincinnati Beagles.”


“I still want a Tervis.”

“Well, you can use it when you work up a sweat riding your new bicycle.”

“I’m getting a bicycle!?”

“You’re hopeless.”

“Hopeless but well hydrated.”

“That is important.”


pine cone

The iCone 5S is far superior to the iCone 5C, but it still cannot bring food.

(Note: Barks Between Beagles has begun publishing only on Tuesdays, so you can rejoin your Friday Zumba class. Your cardiac health is our only concern.)

“…Siri, bring me some food.”

“What are you doing?”

“Shh… I’m starving… Siri, bring me some food.”

“I don’t think it works that way.”

“It works for people, why can’t it work for us?”

“Because first of all, Siri can only give you information. She can’t do physical tasks for you. And second, you’re speaking into a pine cone, not an iPhone.”

“Oh, yeah like that makes a difference. Okay Miss Smarty Pants, then tell me this: How come yesterday when I asked Siri for water, she sent water?”

“It rained 3 hours after you said it. It had been in the forecast for a week.”

“And the day before that, when I told Siri I was bored, she gave me something to bark at.”

“You bark at the wind, leaves, walkers, fire engines, police cars, squirrels, need I go on?”

“…Siri, make my sister shut up.”

“Thank you Siri. Works like a charm.”

What are you Barking at?

barks between beagles“ARK-ARK-ARK-ARK!”

“What are you barking at?”

“That leaf.”

“Which one?”

“That one.”

“That one?”

“No, that one over there.”

“That one?”

“No! That. One.”

“Oh, that one! I barked at that one yesterday.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure I just saw that one fall.”

“Oh, you’re always got to—“


“Get him!”


Read Friday’s “Barks”… Life is full of Shih Tzus.

Hunger Strike

barks between beagles“Have you noticed the condition of these chew toys?”

“Deplorable. This one has been hit by the lawnmower a dozen times.”


“Complaining never works. We need a strategy. Let’s do a hunger strike! We’ll get on the news, get the ASPCA involved. PETA! Betty White will come!”

“I love Betty White! What’s a hunger strike?”

“That’s when you refuse to eat. When they bring the food, you just slap the ground with your tail and push the deplorable chew toy toward them. And just before you starve to death, presto: new chew toys.”

“Let me get this straight: they bring food, and we don’t eat it.”


“Until we nearly starve.”

“Bingo, sister.”


“You know what I hate about chew toys?”


“Soooo overrated.”


There’s Already a Wolf Blitzer; Who Knew?

wolf blitzer barks between beagles“Do you think I could be a news anchor on TV?”


“I would start CNN, the Canine News Network.”

“There’s already a CNN.”

“No there’s not.”

“Yes. There is.”

“Shut up. And my name would be Wolf Blitzer. Wolf, like a predator. Blitzer, like someone who blitzes you right when you think you’re getting away with something.”

“There’s already a Wolf Blitzer… and he’s on CNN.”

“Oh, really. Well Miss Smarty Pants, is this so-called Wolf Blitzer’s show called ‘The Wolf Blitzer Show?’”

“No. It’s called ‘The Situation Room’”

Well when I change my name to… Wolf Blitzer and get on CNN… (sniff) my show will be called ‘The Wolf Blitzer Show.’”

“Are you crying?”

“A little.”

“Hey, you could be Woof Blitzer!”

“I love you.”

“Good luck on CNN.”

(Read Tuesday’s “Barks Between Beagles” here: The UPS Driver Finest Craft Beers from America’s Best Micro Breweries- 728x90 banner