What to do on the Fourth?

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What do you want to do for the Fourth of July?”

“I don’t know. What about you?”

“Let’s get some fireworks!”

“We don’t have thumbs, remember?”

“Oh, yeah… Well, do you want to hitchhike downtown and watch the fireworks show there?”

“The thumbs thing again.”

“I hate fireworks anyway.”

“Me, too. They’re loud. They make me bark uncontrollably.”

“So what is there left to do?”

“We could make one of those red, white and blue Jell-O things.”

“Do you remember what happened the last time we tried to do that?”

“Yeah. We should never work with Jell-O when we’re shedding.”

“We’re always shedding.”

“You know what I hate?”

“What?”

“Fireworks and hairy Jell-O.”

“Me, too.”

“So what do you want to do for the Fourth of July?”

The Beagles Take on Disney for ‘Dog With a Blog’

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Okay, read what you have so far.”

“Dear Mr. Disney: It has come to our attention that your show, Dog With a Blog, has similarities to our publication, Barks Between Beagles.”

“Is that it? You’ve been working on this for a week!”

“Well I don’t know what else to say.”

“Say something about copyright infringement.”

“Dear Mr. Disney: It has come to our attention that your show, Dog With a Blog, is infringing on the copyright for our Barks Between Beagles publication.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere! Ask them to cease and desist immediately!”

“… and we demand that you cease and desist immdeiately…”

“Now tell them what we will do if they don’t.”

“… or we will…”

“Well?”

“What will we do if they don’t?”

“Go on a hunger strike!”

“Yeah, right. We tried that once. Remember? It lasted about 30 minutes.”

“Yeah, I remember. I was starving!”

“Me, too! Hey, what does cease and desist mean, anyway?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well where did you hear it?”

“Reruns of The Andy Griffith Show. You know that time Opie got stuck with the Miracle Salve and Barney pretended to be a lawyer to scare the Miracle Salve people into giving him his money back?”

“Oh, Good Heaven’s. You’re a regular Johnnie Cochran.”

“Well, do you have a better idea?”

“Well… it is nearly time for…”

Dog With a Blog is coming on! I love that show!”

“Me, too! Stan is a cutie…”

 

New Food Bowls

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh boy! New food bowls!”

“I know! And it’s about time, too. I can’t believe they made us use the old ones for so long.”

“Look at your old bowl. Teeth marks. Unacceptable.”

“I was probably only 6 or 7 months old when I did that.”

“I can’t believe we’ve put up with them for so long.”

“Uh, me either… I don’t guess.”

“What do you mean you don’t guess? And look at that crack in mine! That happened the first day we got these. Do you remember how it got cracked? It was so funny. Man, we’ve eaten way too many meals in these bowls. I love the new ones.”

“They’re smaller.”

“Huh?”

“The new bowls. They’re smaller than the old ones.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s not like they ever got filled up anyway.”

“And they’re metal.”

“Stainless steel, to be exact. Precious metal for precious puppies!”

“Stainless steel isn’t a precious metal. I don’t like them! I want the old bowls back!”

“You know, the food doesn’t really taste right in stainless steel, does it?”

“What were we thinking?”

“Oh, well. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

“Did you just make that up?”

“I think I did.”

“What does it mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything. Look at the size of Daisy over there. She can really fertilize a yard, if you know what I mean.”

“I wonder what kind of food she eats?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll bet it doesn’t come in one of these rust buckets.”

Clover, What is it Good For?

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“I love clover.”

“Me, too. Soft, cool. The flowers are pretty.”

“Yeah. You can make a necklace out of them. And what about that 4-leaf clover thing?”

“I’ve found a couple in my life.”

“It’s hard to believe there are people out there who don’t like clover.”

“Who doesn’t like clover? Everybody likes clover.”

“Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, then how do you explain the song Clover, What is it Good For?

“Oh, Lord.”

Absolutely nothin’ say it again, y’all. Clover, huh–

“Wait a minute! That’s not the way–”

What is it good for?–

“Shut up a minute!”

“Don’t you like my singing?”

“The song is War, not Clover. Good grief, Ginger. Do you really think that the most famous protest song from the Vietnam era was called… Clover, for Heaven’s sake?… Now what are you doing?”

“Wikipedia.”

“Feel free.”

“I am.”

“Wait for it.”

“Dang it.”

“Told ya.”

“I’ll bet you don’t know who originally did the song, though.”

“Who?”

“The Temptations.”

“I did not know that. Love The Temptations, though.”

“Yep. Ain’t too Proud to Beg.

“An anthem for beagles.”

“All dogs in general.”

“Yeah, but mainly beagles.”

Low-rise Jeans

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“You look ridiculous.”

“What?”

“I can see half your tail. You’re too old for low-rise jeans.”

“I am not. The salesperson said they looked great on me.”

“Oh, she just wanted to sell a pair of jeans.”

“For your information, Miss Smarty Pants, it wasn’t a she, it was a he. And I think he was interested in me.”

“Oh, is that so. Where were you even shopping.”

“American Beagle.”

“American Beagle is for puppies. Let’s ask the cat. MacGyver, do you think these jeans look good on Ginger? MacGyver? MacGyver!”

“I think she’s deaf.”

“One out of three pets is.”

“One out of three pets is what?”

“Deaf.”

“Where’d you see that?”

“I figured it out myself. I’m not deaf. You’re not deaf. MacGyver is deaf. One out of three.”

“You know what I figured out?”

“What?”

“One out of one 11-year-old dogs looks stupid in low-rise jeans.”

 

 

Silly Dogs, Birds Can’t Talk

barks between beagles fp“You know what drives me crazy?”

“Fleas.”

“Well, yeah, that too. But doesn’t that bird get on your nerves?”

“They all do. Which one in particular?”

“That one that always says ‘city bird, city bird, city bird.’

“It’s not actually saying city bird, silly. Birds can’t talk. It just sounds like that’s what it’s saying.”

“Oh, really, Miss Smarty Pants? Well check this out. Hey, bird! If you can understand me, say ‘city bird!’”

“Oh, Lord…”

“Did you hear her? She said it. She can understand me!”

“How do you know it’s a her and not a him.”

“Because she’s a robin, an robin is a girl’s name.”

“What about Robin Gibb?”

“Who is she?”

“It’s a he, not a she. He was one of the Bee Gees. They only sold 200 million records.”

“Where’d you learn that?”

“Wikipedia.”

“You know what I’d like you to look up on Wikipedia?”

“What?”

“Talking birds.”

“It mentions parrots.”

“What is a parrot?”

“I have no idea. Look at the picture, though.”

“Fancy. Now that is a city bird.”

“You got that right.”

Buttercups: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com

“I know, right?”

“How much do you love this weather, sis?”

“I know, right? Winter was soooo long.”

“But that getting-to-go-inside thing was nice, though.”

“That rocked like a boss.”

“Why are you talking like that? You’re too old to be trying to talk like a puppy.”

“I’m as young as I feel, and I feel like I’m about 17 in people years.”

“Let’s see… that makes you 119 in dog years.”

“No, you did it backwards. Seventeen in dog years is 2 and a half in people years.”

“I’m confused.”

“About what?”

“You titled this blog, ‘Buttercups: Not just for Breakfast Anymore.’”

“I know. That’s because they’re not. They’re good all day long.”

“Plus they’re high in fiber.”

“Oh, yeah, like you’ve ever had any trouble going to the –”

“–Look! A butterfly!”

“They’re not just for breakfast anymore.”

“I know, right?”

 

 

 

Tervis

barks between beagles BeaverDamUSA.com“You know what I need?”

“Oh, let me guess. A bicycle. What?”

“A Tervis.”

“Why on earth do you need a Tervis?”

“To keep my beverage cold… or hot. And they come in all your favorite sports teams’ colors.”

“Oh, really. What’s your favorite sports team?”

“Duh. The Cincinnati Beagles, of course.”

“For Heaven’s sake, that’s Cincinnati Bengals.”

“Are you sure, because I’m pretty sure it’s Cincinnati Beagles.”

“Positive.”

“I still want a Tervis.”

“Well, you can use it when you work up a sweat riding your new bicycle.”

“I’m getting a bicycle!?”

“You’re hopeless.”

“Hopeless but well hydrated.”

“That is important.”

Siri

pine cone

The iCone 5S is far superior to the iCone 5C, but it still cannot bring food.

(Note: Barks Between Beagles has begun publishing only on Tuesdays, so you can rejoin your Friday Zumba class. Your cardiac health is our only concern.)

“…Siri, bring me some food.”

“What are you doing?”

“Shh… I’m starving… Siri, bring me some food.”

“I don’t think it works that way.”

“It works for people, why can’t it work for us?”

“Because first of all, Siri can only give you information. She can’t do physical tasks for you. And second, you’re speaking into a pine cone, not an iPhone.”

“Oh, yeah like that makes a difference. Okay Miss Smarty Pants, then tell me this: How come yesterday when I asked Siri for water, she sent water?”

“It rained 3 hours after you said it. It had been in the forecast for a week.”

“And the day before that, when I told Siri I was bored, she gave me something to bark at.”

“You bark at the wind, leaves, walkers, fire engines, police cars, squirrels, need I go on?”

“…Siri, make my sister shut up.”

“Thank you Siri. Works like a charm.”

Homemade Valentine

valentines day barks between beagles BeaverDamUSA.com“I sure am glad we’re girls.”

“Because it’s Valentine’s Day?”

“No! Because this snow is coming all the way up to my –”

“– Be nice! This is a family blog. What are you going to do today?”

“I’m going to make a homemade Valentine for Pierre. I’ve got scissors and glue, and construction paper.”

“Pierre, as in that French poodle at boarding?”

“Yes. I think he likes me.”

“He may like you, but he doesn’t like-like you.”

“How do you know?”

“Fluffy told me.”

“Fluffy the Shih Tzu? She’s such a gossip.”

“You know she’s not a Shih Tzu. You just wanted to say it.”

“Whatever. What did she say?”

“She said that Pierre and Bubbles have been eating out of the same food bowl since Dandelion’s New Year’s Eve party.”

“I knew I should’ve gone to that party.”

“So what are you gonna do now that Pierre’s off the market?”

“I’m gonna make Tubby a Valentine.”

“Who’s Tubby?”

“That cute Shih Tzu down the street. I think he likes me.”

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