Is Pollen the Problem, or is it his Girl?

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Cody writes: Dear Chely, I have a terrible, terrible problem and I don’t know where else to turn. You see, all this pollen is getting my truck dirty, and my girlfriend says she won’t go out with me unless my truck is clean. She says she doesn’t want to be seen in a big yellow truck. I wash it every day to make her happy. What should I do?

Dear Cody: My, my, my you do have a problem, but it’s not pollen or your dirty truck. It’s your girlfriend! How in the world could you let yourself get mixed up with someone so superficial as a girl who refuses to go out with you unless your truck is clean. Let me guess: you’re probably tall and fit, maybe you play on the football team. I’m sure you’re nice looking, too. Well let me tell you something. Looks change over the years. If she won’t go out with you in your dirty truck, how fast do you think she’ll dump you when you get hair growing in strange places, or those size 32 Levi’s don’t fit as nicely as they do now. Do yourself a favor. Get rid of her, and write “I’m Free” in the pollen on your truck hood. (Follow Chely on Twitter.)

Do you have a question for me? Email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Being a Long-distance College Couple

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by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Liza writes: Dear Chely, my boyfriend and I are both seniors, and we’re planning on going to different colleges in the fall. I miss him already, and we haven’t even graduated! How can I make sure we stay together?

Dear Liza: You’re not going to like what I’m about to tell you, but here it is. That’s a cute idea, but you don’t even need to try to stay with your boyfriend while you’re at different schools. College is a time for learning and growing. It’s a time when you find out who you really are. In order to do that, you cannot be limited by, a: missing a boyfriend hundreds of miles away, and b: worrying if he’s missing you as much as you’re missing him. Here’s what to do: enjoy your summer together. Don’t… I mean do not do something stupid (if you know what I mean). Then in the fall, say so long to each other. In the end, if you were meant to be together, that will happen in due time. Enjoy your summer, Liza. And I hope you and your boyfriend both learn a lot — and have a lot of fun — at college.

Do you have a question for me? Email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Chely Loses Her Temper with Selfish Brianna

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by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Brianna Writes: Dear Chely, My boyfriend has to work every Friday and Saturday night, and I’m getting tired of it. I either stay home or end up hanging out with another couple. I’m not having any fun in this relationship. Should I break up with him?

Dear Becky: Oh, yes. By all means break up with him just because his boss schedules him to flip burgers when you’d rather be going to the movies. And while you’re at it, you could just sue him for all the buttered popcorn you missed out on because of his job. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood, but sometimes I get sick and tired of people being so selfish. Let me ask you a question, Brianna. Did your boyfriend buy you a Christmas present? A birthday present? Did he get you candy for Valentine’s? I’ll bet he did. And does he take you out when he’s not working? I’ll bet he does. And do you know where that money came from? His job! I’ll tell you this much, if I were him, I would break up with you and find me a girl that appreciated me for trying to be just a little responsible! Oh, I hope I didn’t say an ugly word. Sometimes one flies out before I realize it. I really need to work on that.

Do you have a question for me? Email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Image: Belinda Hankins Miller from U.S.A. [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) or CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

WWCD: Making Your GF’s Mama Like You

What Would Chely Do? Read or Listen!
by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Bobby writes: Dear Chely: I’ve been seeing a girl for a couple of months now, and I don’t think her mother likes me. Can you give me some ideas of what I can do to make her come around?

Dear Bobby, I admire you for caring whether her mama likes you or not. That means you have a good head on your shoulders. Before I make some suggestions on what to do, let me talk about what not to do.

Don’t take her flowers or candy or anything like that. Parents can see right through that, and it makes you look like you’re trying to butter her up. Once when I was your age a boy who liked me always brought mama wildflowers and she never liked him. I’m not sure if it was him or the way the flowers aggravated her hay fever, but she sure was glad when he hit the road. And she sneezed a lot less, too. Also, don’t try too hard to be nice. That never works out well.

By User:Danbavo (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Nope, not gonna… a-choo!… not gonna cut it.

Here’s what to do. Always go to the door to pick her up. Always look her mama in the eye. Always tell her where you’re going and what time you’ll be back. Say yes ma’am and no ma’am. Stay at her house sometimes instead of going out. And go to church with them every now and then. You do those things, and she won’t have any reason not to like you. Just don’t bring anything in the house she might be allergic to. (Follow Chely on Twitter.)

Do you have a question for me? Email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Truck Nuts for a Birthday Present?

What Would Chely Do?
by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Becky Writes: Dear Chely, I’m getting my boyfriend, Dan, a set of truck nuts for his Big Dodge truck. I think they look amazing. What color do you think I should go with, flesh or camo?

Dear Becky: I have a question for you. Is that what you want to be known for? Getting a boy a set of (I can hardly say it) truck nuts? I can hear it now: “Hey Dan, where’d you get those awesome camo trucksticles?” Oh, my sweet, adorable girlfriend Becky got them for me.” Listen, Becky. I’ve always thought that people who had those hanging from their big ol’ truck probably might be deficient elsewhere, if you know what I mean. But you probably already know if that is the case. Make him a nice meal for his birthday. You might try mountain oysters. I hear they’re in season.

Do you have a question for me? Email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Wearing Flip Flops in Winter

What Would Chely Do?
by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Click Chely’s picture to listen to her advice.

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Ashley Writes: Dear Chely, My Mama says I can’t wear flip flops in the winter but I think that’s okay. I’m almost 17 and I should at least get to wear the kind of shoes I want to wear.

Dear Ashley: Your Mama should take one of your flip flops and whack you upside the head with it. You don’t wear pajamas to Wal-Mart too, do you? We’ve gotta get that stopped before… Okay, I’m getting off the subject here. Now back to you and your feet. I love flip flops more than anybody. I’ve got, oh, about a million pair. But they’re only for warm weather. Your Mama doesn’t want you looking like a dang fool. And maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t want your feet to be cold or wet. Ashley honey, find yourself some boots that will make you look cute. They’ll also make you look like you’ve got a little sense, too.

Do you have a question for me? email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

We are the folks down at The Beaver Dam Roadside Tavern. You know us. We keep you cracked up all year long at our Web site, on twitter and Facebook. We’ve been good this year. Well, mostly we have. You know a little naughty goes a long way, and nice is a bit overrated. Anyway, we know you’re busy for a guy who only works 1 day a year, so here’s the list:

Professor Thorndike Sinclair never stumbles when he does SEC Pigskin Picks. He is a master behind the mic. So, we thought we might could get him some of those cool turntables like DJs have, and he could start a second career. He already has the killer smile and good looks.

Zach Clayton has been a really good… okay, well, you know he tries to be good. Hey, at least his “Music Musings” column good. That should account for something. Anyway, maybe letting him do the sound for the next Van Halen tour would be nice. Have you ever seen him do the Hey! Hey! Hey!’s to “Ain’t Talking Bout Love?” It’s Roth-like.

Mark Grissom wants a World Series Championship for the Cubs. If you cannot do that, just make him a handsome billionaire and supreme ruler of the world. That should be more doable. You know, his blog, “Loving the Cubs… and Other Problems I Have” publishes each Wednesday. Right?

David Carroll, who writes “That Guy on TV and Radio” has been a good boy this year. We really need to change that. Please bring him a $100 Gift Card for the Catfish County Tattoo and Piercing Emporium. For a piercing, we’re thinking something through the eyebrow; and let’s ink him up with a python up high on his neck so when he does the news you can see its eyes poking up over his collar.

Chely Sizemore just wants a balanced no-load mutual fund that outpaces the S&P 500. Hey, who doesnt? Are we right big guy? Oh yeah, and bring her a turtleneck, too. Everybody appreciates a good gag gift now and again.

Brother Hoyt wants either a Tennessee Vols National Championship in football or for Alabama to go 0 and 12. We know you and Jesus compare notes, so see what you can do. Which ever is easier. It doesn’t matter to him.

Ard Svenson just wants to meet Alex Trekek over a couple of Sweetwater 420s. As a matter of fact, buy yourself one while you’re at it.

Coach Billy Jack Hoover is a simple man. He’s kind of like Phil Robertson without all the facial hair and the money. All he wants for Christmas is for him and Mrs. Coach Billy Jack Hoover to have one of those all-inclusive vacations down in Jamaica. (Actually, there’s a kid down there who rushed for 1,400 yards as a high school junior, who Coach thinks might fit in well at CCHS. But don’t tell Mrs. Coach Billy Jack Hoover.)

The Sports Drive has all those super-huge sports brainiacs all crammed in that little studio. So for them, we ask for one of those big studios like Kathy Lee and Hoda have with 10 or 12 cameramen. No, wait. Camera girls who also have really big sports brains.

Okay, well that’s about it. You get to work on that now, and remember, you can deliver the presents to the Beaver Dam Roadside Tavern. We’ll have milk and cookies under the tree, which should give you enough energy to make it to the kitchen where we keep the good stuff.

Merry Christmas,
BeaverDamUSA.com

My Boyfriend Loves My Truck More Than Me

What Would Chely Do?
by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Britney writes: Dear Chely, I’ve been going out with this boy for a while, and I’m beginning to think he only dates me because of my truck. Sometimes I feel like it would be okay with him if I just stayed home.

Dear Britney: Every girl has faced something like this. When I was about your age, I got a brand new bass boat, and the boys came out of the woodwork wanting to go fishing. Then I realized they didn’t care about fishing. They just wanted me to take them out in the boat. Boys are basically idiots, and they’re always going to want something we’ve got, whether it’s a boat, or a truck, or — well, you get the idea. Here’s a little experiment you can try: Call up your boyfriend and tell him you wrecked your truck last night. If he immediately asks if you got hurt, you’re in the clear. If he asks if you hurt the truck, you may need to upgrade to something with a little something more under the hood, if you know what I mean.

Do you have a question for me? email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Luke Bryan Isn’t Taking Your Girl (With Audio!)

What Would Chely Do?
by Chely Sizemore
@chelysizemore

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Click the pic to HEAR Chely answer Cody’s question!

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Cody writes: Dear Chely, My girlfriend likes Luke Bryan too much. She listens to him all the time, tweets at him. She even sleeps in a Luke Bryan T-shirt. Sometimes I think she loves Luke Bryan more than she loves me. Should I break up with her?

Dear Cody:

lb twitter

Follow Luke on twitter @lukebryanonline. And follow me @chelysizemore.

You are a fool! Your girlfriend doesn’t love Luke Bryan. Your girlfriend doesn’t even know Luke Bryan. She loves Luke Bryan the singer. She loves the way she thinks he’s singing those love songs to her. And she loves looking at him… that silky hair, beautiful face, those pearly white teeth and that luscious smile. And she probably loves the way he gets that come-here-girl look in his eyes. Whew… What was I talking about?

Oh, yes. I remember now. Cody, you’ve got to let that go. It’s okay for you to tell her that you wish she would give it a rest every now and then, but for Heaven’s sake, grow up. If you really think Luke Bryan is going to swoop into town, grab up your girlfriend up and take her off in the sunset, then you are dating someone who is way, way over your head.

Okay, I’ve gotta go. I’m in the mood for a little Luke Bryan… music that is. Well, I might look at just 1 or 2 photos.

Do you have a question for me? email chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo
Chely!

Friends after the breakup?

Chloe writes: “My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago after we were together 8 months. We were serious, but things weren’t so great lately and we both knew it was coming. Anyway, now he’s texting me saying he wants to be friends. Should I?”

Thanks for asking for boyfriend advice, Chloe. And the answer is a big fat “No,” girlfriend. You probably have plenty of friends. If you don’t, then get out there and make some. You don’t need an ex muddying the water. Of course if y’all have mutual friends you will need to be nice to each other. Anything less wouldn’t be fair to everyone else involved. You expected it anyway, so if he didn’t do it, you probably would have. Sounds like you both got some relationship experience. Take it and move on.

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Let me be clear here. It’s okay to share the same friends if you were doing that before the romance started. People who are part of a group are acquaintances, they’re not necessarily friends. A friend is someone who comes over when you have the flu and watches “Dirty Dancing” with you. Do me a favor: on Saturday afternoon, text this guy, tell him you have the flu, you feel awful, and ask him if he wants to pick up some ice cream and come watch “Dirty Dancing” with you. And just for good measure, tell him you need him to stop by the feminine hygiene aisle for you while he’s at the store.

Let me know what he says. I’ve got a pretty good idea you’ll be on your way to a speedy recovery.

What do y’all think about the boyfriend advice I gave Chloe? Comment or email me at chelyhugs@gmail.com.

xoxo,
Chely
@chelysizemore

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