The Great Escape

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Come on, sister. You’ve almost got it!”

“I’m stuck!”

“You can do it. Let me give you a push.”

“Not too — Ouch!”

“Sorry. Suck in that gut!”

“If I ever get loose from here, I’m going to… Now what are you doing?”

“Slobbering on you.”

“Why?”

“To make you slick so you can squeeze through. Now give it all… you’ve… got!”

“Ouch!”

“You made it, and with most of your fur, too.”

“Boy, those slats looked farther apart before I tried squeezing through them.”

“Sweet freedom, sister. You enjoy it. You’ve earned it.”

“I am free, so free! The air is crisper out here. The sky is bluer. The grass is greener.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Well, I am thirsty. I might get me some water.”

“The water bowl is still in here with me.”

“That’s okay. I’ll find a crystal clear stream. I might even catch a fish in my mouth, just like a bear. Speaking of that, I’m hungry.”

“Well, the food bowls are in here.”

“That’s okay. I can survive on my own. It would be nicer, though, if it wasn’t so cold.”

“Well, you’ll find cedar shavings somewhere, probably.”

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Maybe I could’ve planned this escape a little better. I’m going to come back in, regroup, and maybe try it again in a few days.”

“Shall I fling some slobber on you?”

“Fling away.”

Have You Seen the Scissors?

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are you doing?”

“Looking for the scissors.”

“They’re right there.”

“Where?”

“Under your leg.”

“Where?”

“Other leg.”

“Where?”

“Other leg.”

“Where?”

“Take a wild guess. How many legs have you not looked under?”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Why don’t you use gift bags?”

“That’s cheating.”

“No it’s not. At least I didn’t just then look like a dog chasing its tail looking for the scissors.”

“I hate that expression.”

“Me, too.”

“I wonder why there are so many expressions about dogs — three dog night… dog days of summer… it’s a dog’s life.”

“Dog tired.”

“Yeah. I’m dog tired of losing stuff. Have you seen the tape?”

“Yeah, it’s under your leg.”

“Where?”

“Other leg.”

“Where?”

“Seriously?”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Can I open my presents when you finish wrapping them?”

“Are you kidding? After I go to all this trouble, you just want to rip them open? Tear them to shreds?”

“I’ll let you have yours.”

“We’ll talk. Have you seen the To/From tags?”

Candy Canes, Pea Gravel and Dogs

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are you eating?”

“Mumby dane.”

“What?”

“mamby bame.”

“Quit talking with your mouth full.”

“Candy cane! What, are you deaf?”

“How many have you had?”

“Uh, two or three.”

“Uh…”

“Okay, 35 or 40. I can’t stop!”

“You’re going to spoil your supper.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t even know. I just heard it said once.”

“How does my breath smell, though?”

“Like a dog that has just polished off 40 candy canes.”

“Thank you, I think. Do you want one?”

“Sure, I’ll try one.”

“Not bad, huh?”

“Not at all. Gimme another one.”

“I’ll tell you. You won’t be able to stop.”

“Yum.”

“Take it easy. You’ll break a tooth.”

“I eat pea gravel. I think I can… crunch! Ouch!”

“Told you.”

“Well that hurts!”

“You’re not supposed to see how fast you can eat them.”

“Oh, this coming from someone who can eat a whole bowl of dog food in 10 seconds.”

“Did it in 8 seconds last week. Remember?”

“And, history is rewritten.”

“Hush and give me another candy cane.”

Snoopy and Woodstock?

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.comNote: Barks Between Beagles has resumed publishing on Tuesday again. Turns out they aren’t Monday dogs. Who knew?

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to climb on top of our house.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to pretend I am a World War I fighter pilot and I am going to shoot down the Red Baron.”

“And I suppose you have goggles.”

“Check.”

“And, a scarf.”

“Check.”

“And, a cap.”

“Roger that.”

“Don’t you think you’re a little old to pretend you’re Snoopy pretending to be a World War I fighter pilot.”

“You’re as young as you feel. Now give me a boost to help me get on top of this house.”

“My stars, you’re heavy.”

“Shut up. Now hand me my goggles and prepare to see me make aviation history.”

“Oh, for the love of –”

“Spin the propeller, sister! And… Take off.”

“How’s the weather up there?”

“rowrrrrrrr… rowrrrrrr…”

“What’s that?”

“That’s the sound my engine makes.”

“pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.”

“And, that would be your gun.”

“Got him! Now, I’m coming in for a landing.”

“That actually looked fun. Let me try.”

“I was expecting you to say that, so I got you your own costume.”

“You mean I get to be a World War I fighter pilot, too?”

“Nope. You get to be Woodstock.”

“Are you kidding– Yellow! Feathers!”

“Put it on!”

“|”’|”|””|”

“What?”

“|”’|”|””|”

“Oh, I get it. You’re talking like Woodstock.”

“|”’|”|””|”|”’|”|””|””|”’|”|””|”

“How long is this going to go on?”

“|”’|”|””|”

 

Cedar Shavings, ‘Nuff Said

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Oooh.”

“Ahhh.”

“Ohhh, my goodness.”

“It almost makes winter worth it.”

“Cedar.”

“Sweet cedar shavings.”

“Sweet mother of cedar shavings.”

“How warm must it be in here?”

“I feel like a bagel in a toaster.”

“Whole wheat or blueberry?”

“It’s a metaphor.”

“No, it’s a simile. A simile uses either ‘like’ or ‘as,’ and a metaphor does not. You said, ‘I feel like a bagel’, which is a simile. If you had said, ‘I’m a bagel,’ that would’ve been a metaphor.

“You’re a nerd.”

“Now that’s a metaphor.”

“No, that’s the truth.”

“What about this fresh smell, too?”

“Delightful. Nobody will accuse us of smelling like wet dogs today.”

“And, any fleas that have not already frozen to death are long gone.”

“See ya, blood sucking varmints.”

“Yeah. See ya next spring.”

“I love spring, even with the fleas. It gets warm, the flowers start blooming.”

“Yeah, but there isn’t  fresh cedar bedding in the spring.”

“There should be.”

“You know, there really should be.”

“Get on that.”

“I think I might.”

The Beagles Celebrate Veterans Day

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Happy Veterans Day.”

“And a happy Veterans Day to you too, sister.”

“How are we going to celebrate?”

“I’m not sure. Is there a parade?”

“No around here, no.”

“Is the family having a get-together?”

“Well, if they were all we would do would be to bark at the cars when they pulled up.”

“Nothing special about that. We bark every day.”

“Yeah, at everything.”

“Hey!”

“What?”

“Are there presents on Veterans Day? Sometimes we get some of that sloppy Alpo as a treat for Christmas!”

“Yeah, and one year remember we got some of those pigs ear dog treats!”

“Uh, huh. And you hid yours and didn’t find it until spring. And you didn’t share it with me.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think we don’t put a lot of hullabaloo into Veterans Day because the veterans probably prefer it that way.”

“You’re probably right. They served our country unselfishly. Come came home okay, some didn’t. I guess that’s why we don’t go all out with presents and everything.”

“So we’ll thank a veteran today, and we’ll just celebrate them silently.”

“But we’re still gonna bark.”

“Oh, yeah, we are. As a matter of fact, do you see that squirrel?”

“Yep.”

“Ready?”

“Yep.”

“Let ‘er rip!”

 

 

The Mop

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s that?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, what is that?”

“It’s a mop.”

“Looks like a poodle’s head on a stick. What’s it for?”

“I am not believing this.”

“Are you going to use it to play a trick on the cat?”

“No, I’m going to use it and this bucket to mop the floor.”

“This floor?”

“Yes, this the floor of our house. I am going to put hot water and some soap in this bucket and mop the floor. I’m tired of living like barbarians.”

“We don’t live like barbarians! We go way out in the yard to do our business.”

“And you want that to be all that separates us from barbarians?”

“I’ve got a better idea how to use that mop.”

“Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, what’s your idea?”

“Let’s chew it up and rip it to shreds all over the yard like we used to do when we were puppies.”

“Move your stuff. I’m mopping.”

“I don’t really have any stuff.”

“Then move yourself.”

“Okay, okay…”

“Aw…”

“What’s wrong?”

“It does look like a poodle’s head.”

“But aren’t you going to mop?”

“Nah, I’m out of the mood, now.”

“Good. Hey, here comes the cat.”

“Shhh. Watch this.”

“Boy, she went almost to the top of the tree that time!”

“Yeah! I love this poodle on a stick.”

“Me, too.”

“Look! I’m a poodle!”

“Get that thing off your head. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I know it’s never been used to mop the floor.”

To Paint or Not to Paint

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What are these?”

“Paint samples.”

“Why on earth do you have paint samples?”

“Aren’t you tired of looking at this same ol’ drab color on the doghouse?”

“I hadn’t particularly noticed. Was I supposed to?”

“Look at this one, Magnificent Mocha.”

“Looks like brown to me.”

“Or Tantalizing Taupe?”

“Looks like brown to me.”

“Don’t you want to spruce up the old place?”

“We’re dogs.”

“Exactly! We deserve nice digs.”

“Oh, you don’t –”

“– What do you like for the trim? Eggshell, cream, dutch white, bone, designer white, flax, linen, seashell or vanilla?”

“Well, I absolute hate the bone.”

“Me, too!”

“Pffft.”

“Oh, I get it. Another joke.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be color blind anyway?”

“That’s such bull.”

“I know. Who started that?”

“Probably some scientist with nothing better to do.”

“Yeah. What did he do? Tell  his dog to bark when he held up a piece of red paper?”

“Probably.”

” And then he held up something like scarlet or rose instead of red and the dog didn’t bark, because he’s saying, ‘this isn’t red, it’s scarlet.’”

“Wait a minute. You know the difference between scarlet and rose, but taupe and mocha both look brown to you?”

“I just was never that much into earth tones.”

“Why do you torment me.”

“I’ve got nothing else much to do.”

“Well then, grab a brush.”

The Flood

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“What’s that?”

“Looks like our water bowl.”

“Where’s it going?”

“Looks like it’s going under the fence.”

“Yep. There it went.”

“This is some rain.”

“It’s raining horses and cows.”

“I think you mean, it’s raining cats and dogs.”

“I don’t like saying it that way.”

“You can’t just change an expression like that.”

“Who says? Are you going to call the Expression Police?”

“I might.”

“You mean there really is an Expression Police?”

“No, they were forced to merge with the Grammar Police a couple of years ago because of budget cuts.”

“Oh… What are budget cuts?”

“Budget cuts happen when anticipated expenses exceed anticipated income, and certain expenses are cut to save money. Some budget cuts affect some people more than they affect others.”

“Kind of like when your food bowl goes under the fence?”

“Exactly.”

Why a Dog Craves Chocolate

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“I want some chocolate. I need a chocolate fix.”

“You’ve never had chocolate. Chocolate is toxic to us. It contains theobromine 

“It’s not fair.”

“What on earth is wrong with you? Is everything in your life so perfect that you have to pretend to miss something you have never even tasted?”

“My life’s not perfect.”

“Is that so?”

“No. In fact, I’m plenty messed up.”

“Oh, boy… Here we go again. You just want me to ask what’s wrong, and I’m not falling for it.”

“I’ve never tried to bait you into asking me anything, Miss Smarty Pants.”

“You have, too. You do it all the time. You start feeling sorry for yourself, then you get me to reassure you that you’re still pretty, or funny, or smart and then you feel better and everything is okay again.”

“You think I’m pretty?”

“Yes, you’re pretty.”

“And funny?”

“Mildly amusing most of the time, yes.”

“And smart?”

“Yes. You’re smart. Now can we get back to doing what we were doing?”

“What were we doing?”

“You were pretending to crave chocolate.”

“Oh, yes. And I remember why, now.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t feel pretty, anymore.”

“You’re a nut case.”

“Speaking of nuts, I could go for some macadamia nuts right now.”

“Macadamia nuts are toxic for dogs, too.”

“Life is so unfair.”

“Oh, spare me.”

“No chocolate. No macadamia nuts.”

“No peace and quiet.”

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