No! I Said ‘Insert Your PIN, your PIN!’

Hey, Buddy, You Need to Learn
to Show that ATM Some Respect

dam thoughts, barry currin, beaverdamusa.comDid you see the story about the man who reportedly walked into a bar, pulled down his pants thereby exposing himself, and tried to have sexual intercourse with an ATM?

It sounds like a setup to the world’s worst joke, but unfortunately it’s not.

The Tennessean reported the story, which went on to quote police reports which said employees then escorted him outside (with great caution, I presume). At that point, he exposed himself again and tried to do the same thing to a wooden picnic table.

Talk about a tree hugger. (Now, that may be the world’s worst joke. Our staff is checking.) I wonder if the juke box was playing the old song, “Don’t the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time?” I’m mainly afraid the pool table will find out, and you know how she can be when she gets jealous.

On a serious note, here. Hats off to the bar for having an ATM. That’s pretty capitalistic. I’m sure it never had a transaction quite like that one, but at least it will have a story to tell the repairman when he gets there. (I have known ATM repairmen and know for a fact they talk to the machines.) I wonder how long it will take someone to muster up the nerve to look at the surveillance tape? I wouldn’t want that job.

Let’s not forget the poor picnic table. Second choice. Miss Congeniality. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I thought it was funny that the police made sure to mention the table was wooden. Maybe she arranged for a strategically-placed splinter to teach this guy to dance with the one he brung next time.

And why was there a picnic table at the bar anyway? I’m sure glad a happy vacationing family wasn’t chomping on ham sandwiches. That would be a scene worthy of Clark Griswold.

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I don’t guess the jokes would ever end. Most of the ones I can think of get pretty gross in a hurry. I don’t know what would cause someone to do this. Well, yeah, I do. Alcohol — as in the Brad Paisley song of the same title which starts, “I can make anybody pretty.” Maybe the songwriters need to go back into the writing room and add a third verse to include romancing a money-spitting computer.

Yes, technology is changing the world we live in. They say in a few decades computers will be able to reason the same way the human brain does. Maybe this guy was just trying to use his spawn to speed up the process. Who knows, maybe in 9 months, the ATM will birth a little piggy bank that will grow up with the ability to give your checking account balance while breaking the county hot wing eating record.

Steve Spurrier Drunk? So What

Steve Spurrier is Still
Crazy After All These Years

Some say Steve Spurrier was a little schnockered on his weekly TV show following the Gamecocks’ win on Oct. 5 over Central Florida. Watch this snippet, and draw your own conclusion:

When he was asked by a reporter if he was impaired on the show, the Head Ball Coach said, “I hope not.”

And here’s what he had to say when asked if he had been drinking after the game:

“Whether or not I have a few beers after every game for the past 29 years I don’t think I need to get into all that. Most coaches that I know we probably do have a few beers after ballgames after building up all week and so forth.”

Is that classic Steve Spurrier or what?

The Head Ball Coach is a legend, and he’s a rock star at the same time. Not a lot of people fit into that category. And part of the reason he is in the position he’s in is because of his candor (or call it what you will, depending on how much he has beaten your team). Nobody really cares — or should care — if he threw back a few after the game. He probably should film the show first, but I digress.

Come on. Have you ever been to Orlando for the day with a bunch of kids? I know plenty of adults who need to take the edge off following a trip to the “happiest place on earth” — which is a relative term to say the least.

Steve would make a terrible politician, wouldn’t he.

Reporter: “Congressman Spurrier, have you ever accepted bribe money from the tobacco lobby?”

Steve: “Whether or not I did that for the past 29 years, I don’t think I need to get into that.”

That’s exactly what he would say, and dang it, I kind of appreciate that. We could learn a lot from Steve Spurrier. If you do it, own it. And convert 4th and 15 against who doesn’t like it. We need more terrible politicians like that.

Until next time,
Give me 20, slackers!
Coach Billy Jack Hoover
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