Your Phone: Hazardous to your Neck?

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comOur jowls are drooping, and we deserve it.

We are now susceptible to a brand new ailment called “tech neck.” It means our neck muscles are sagging, and we get it from constantly looking down at our cell phones and tablets.

In other words, it’s the 21st Century version of the beer belly.

I remember when we got our first family cell phone 21 years ago. I fought it like crazy. I’m not a big phone talker anyway, so I saw no use in having one other than for emergencies.

My, how things change.

Now, I panic if I tap my left front pocket and it’s not in there. Sometimes, this occurs while I am holding it in my other hand. Occasionally, I turn it on for no reason and mindlessly scroll the little app icons back and forth like it’s a pet and I’m scratching it. We’re inseparable. It’s ridiculous. When I plug it in to charge, I sit beside it like I am waiting for it to reveal one of the mysteries of the universe.

It’s bad enough I’m a junkie. Now I have to worry about my neck resembling a turkey’s to boot.

Of course, I don’t have to look very far to find lots of people who are developing a wattle faster than I am from overuse.

For instance, I never announce where I eat lunch. You don’t care. In fact, In my wildest dreams I cannot think of a situation how that could ever, ever possibly matter to you.

I don’t post selfies. You’re welcome.

I don’t take all those quizzes on Facebook that tell me which of the Seven Dwarfs I am or which Biblical plague fits me best.

I don’t play Candy Crush. I tried. I just don’t get it. But, not to sound too self-righteous, I do have a little baseball game I like.

I’m dependent on it for a growing number of things, and I don’t think I am better off in any way because of it. In some ways, it has made me dumber as well as droopier.

Last week we went to Atlanta and had a half dozen places we needed to go. We had never been to any of them before. So, instead of looking at a map, we just fired up Siri and had her tell us how to get there.

Every time I tried to get us somewhere without using her, I made a wrong turn. When we started home, I asserted my manliness and announced we would not be using Siri to get us out of town. I can get home from Atlanta by myself, for Heaven’s sake. I have done it a hundred times.

So, I pulled out of the parking lot and proceeded to head due south. That’s when having a wife in the car comes in handy – to give me a bruised ego to go with my tech neck.

So, until the Surgeon General puts a little warning on the screen, consider this your alert that overusing your phone can be hazardous to your appearance.

It’s a bit funny, but more than that it’s sad. The iPhone hit shelves 8 years ago. Conversely, Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1450.

Have you ever heard of “book neck?”

Ctrl-Alt-Delete, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

barks between beagles, beaverdamusa.com“Okay, looks like the screen is coming up.”

“Finally. I hate this laptop.”

“Nope, went black again.”

“Dang. Push the power button.”

“That will turn it off.”

“It’s already off. It just went off.”

“I’m about to go off on you. Wait a minute. It’s coming back up. Whew.”

“Move your cursor.”

“I can’t it’s stuck right there.”

“When you turned it off last night, did you put it to sleep or just close the lid?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters!”

“Well which should I have done, Miss Smarty Pants?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. But apparently you should’ve done the one you didn’t do.”

“Okay, okay, here we go. I can now move the cursor.”

“Whew. It’s about time.”

“Well I… will… be –”

“–What is it now?”

“Google Chrome is not responding. And now I’ve just got that little rolling blue wheel of death.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Seems like a half an hour.”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Don’t say what?”

“Don’t say, ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that.’ It is so last year. Nobody says that anymore.”

“I just heard it a couple of days ago.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I am not.”

“Hey! It’s up!”

“Finally. We have so much to do today, I don’t even know where to start.”

“You know what I’m thinking, though?”

“What?”

“We probably should check Facebook just to see what happened overnight.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Hmmm. Let’s see what we have here… Cat video… cat video… inspirational quote… cat video… ice bucket… ice bucket… picture of an empty breakfast plate… that same Emi Sunshine video that stayed on top of my timeline all freakin’ day yesterday…”

“Call me back when she changes her name to Emo Sunshine and does something by the Plasmatics.”

“That would be slightly less annoying.”

“Hey, look at this!”

“Oh, a new cat video! Hilarious!”

“Pretty good stuff, I must say.”

“All right. Ready to get to work now?”

“Well, it’s almost break time. But we do have time to check Instagram real quick.”

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