How to: Make the Grammys Better

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comHow was your week? Good? It doesn’t matter, I can’t hear you. This is a blog.

I’ve become a bit of an awards show junkie in the last few years. I clear my schedule and carefully select snacks for the evening. I snap at people who talk during the host’s opening monologue because I want to hear and analyze the jokes. I go back and youtube specific moments in the show I found to be the funniest and relive the moment. I love it.

I don’t even watch a lot of movies or TV — I just love the awards. This is probably a giant metaphor for my life in which I crave the reward and not the work that comes beforehand. Just kidding, it’s not. I’m fine. We’re all fine.

But yeah, my love for award shows has yet to extend to the Grammys. For one thing, the show is obviously a place where no fun is had. I know this because if fun was happening at the Grammys, Taylor Swift would not make headlines for dancing in her seat. I’ve been to a lot of music shows and if only one person is dancing, it’s a boring show.

Ellen had a pizza delivered at last year’s Oscars. A PIZZA! And the only thing we hear about the Grammys is that T-Swift danced?! I just don’t understand the musicians’ need to be serious and too-sensitive about their art. Yes, I’ve heard the argument that musicians put their heart and soul into their work and every album is just a portrait of the vulnerable, inner-workings of their mind or something dumb like that, but Lupita Nyong’o was in 12 Years A Slave and still managed to jump into the Most Ever Tweeted Oscar Selfie so I think everyone can just calm down.

Here’s my idea: we get a straight up comedian to host the show. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler just got out of their Golden Globes contract so I’m pretty sure they’re available. Also, Kanye West attends these kinds of events so the material is right there for the taking. Secondly, I think the Grammys should actually present awards at their awards show. I know it seems simple but there were a good two hours on Sunday where absolutely no awards were handed out. “But what about the performances?” you ask, like a child. Here’s where it gets good:

The stage set up is very simple with a microphone and a single acoustic guitar. The presenter comes out, reads the list of nominees, and announces the winner. The winner must then take the stage and perform the song associated with the Grammy they just won. I know you’re trying to think of holes in this idea but let me tell you right now that there are none. If you are going to win a Grammy, you need to be able to perform anywhere at any time. This is a show I would enjoy watching and it probably also wouldn’t be three and a half hours long. I dare you to show me the downside to this brilliant idea.

That’s all I have to say this week. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m single so if you’re interested, please send a dozen roses and your HBO GO password and we’ll talk.

The Mysteries of Bonnaroo 2014 Lost & Found

dam thoughts, barry currin, beaverdamusa.comBonnaroo 2014 certainly went out like a lamb. I heard no mention of mass arrests, assaults or anything like that. None of the 90,000 attendees overdosed and died. As always, it rained because it simply has to.

It obviously was a slow-news festival when one of the most noteworthy tidbits was Kim Kardashian showing up for Kanye’s set wearing a see-through top (just when we thought she could get any more transparent.)

BonnarooMTV.com even had to resort to running a story about the lost-and-found tent, which I’m sure is an interesting place. Any time you have that many semi-comatose people sloshing in the mud for a week, you’re going to have a bustling lost-and-found tent. The story told how many items remained at the tent as of Sunday night. Here are the numbers along with some observations.

  • 173 key rings. This begs Question No. 1: Wouldn’t you think there were also 173 cars left in the parking lot? Yes, I know these keys belonged to the 173 people who did not drive to the festival and also lacked the common sense to leave their keys in their bud’s vehicle. The photo MTV ran with the story showed the pile of misplaced keys. One ring had a Budweiser bottle opener, which looks like a questionable accessory. Another had a  Bi-Lo Bonus card attached. Imagine the surprise of the guy who went to Bi-Lo to cure the munchies and realized he couldn’t get his BOGO Doritos because he didn’t have his bonus card.
  • 93 phones. The article specified 41 iPhones and 52 other types, which makes for a 44 percent iPhone Bonnaroo market share. According to research I found while googling, iPhones make up for 25 percent of the market share nationwide. Does that mean that Bonnarooers have a higher propensity to carry iPhones? Or does it mean people with iPhones are more careless than other people? Visible in the picture, by the way, is a good old-fashioned flip phone making me wonder if Back to the Future II is in production.
  • 94 wallets. Do you know what this tells us? It tells us that people value their phones more than they do their wallets. The article mentions one of the wallets was pulled from a Porta Potty and covered in you-know-what. I wonder who found it, cleaned off the Bonnaroopoo and returned it?
  • 77 bags. Fifteen of which were purses. That undoubtedly made for a fun ride home for 15 carloads of revelers. Also among the lost bags was one briefcase. “Yeah, I’ll hit the Which Stage as soon as I finish these general journal entries. Hey! Where’s my briefcase?”
  • 32 sunglasses. My God, only 32 pair? I can lose a pair of sunglasses between the house and the mailbox. How did 88,968 people make it through a muddy, chemical-enhanced, multi-day music festival with their sunglasses? And how on earth did six-fold the number of people lose their keys? “Hi, Mom, we’re having to take a Megabus home because Skinny Pete lost the keys, but we have totally awesome retinas.”
  • 2 condoms. I’ll bet it was easy to spot those two guys during their frantic search. If we have two extra Babyroos in 9 months, this might be why. I just hope the condoms didn’t belong to Kanye.

Just like the dirty wallet, who picks up a condom off the ground and takes it to the lost-and-found tent? Was it the guy who had the briefcase? The laptop? The flip phone? I’m thinking the same guy lost all three. Either way it’s a mystery. Not to sound capitalistic when talking about such a bohemian subject as Bonnaroo, but I think someone could make a killing by inventing Clue: Bonnaroo Edition. At least it would give people something to do on the Megabus ride home.

Did you lose something at Bonnaroo? Here is the link to the article.

Photo by Gabisauke (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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