How to: Celebrate Independence

katherine holmgren, beaverdamusa.comWhat did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!

Happy 239th Birthday, America! You don’t look a day over 200. Just kidding. You’re starting to look terrible and nobody recycles anything.

Here are five America-themed activity ideas you can do with your family this year:

  1. Check and see if your ancestors were even in America in 1776. Has your family contributed anything? Or are you just reaping the benefits from someone else’s work? It’s okay either way. #America

  2. Turn on your television and have everyone sit around and watch without speaking for no less than four hours. Make sure everyone is also on their phones. Mindlessly eat some sort of chip/dip combo.

  3. Speaking of food, try to only eat food that comes out of a box with printed microwave instructions on the side. Pair this with lots of soda and energy drinks. Eat a ½ cup of sugar to make sure you get enough for the day.

  4. Go around the room and have everyone say who they will be voting for in the next election. Winner is the person who grimaces the least.

  5. Eat another ½ cup of sugar.

Happy 4th of July!!

What dance was very popular in 1776? Indepen-dance!

Why Are We Still Even Working for the Weekend?

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comWe’re becoming delicate in the way we approach life.

Last week before we ushered in Daylight Saving Time, I saw two or three stories about how we could lessen the blow of losing an hour of sleep on Saturday night. One article promised five ways to help ease into the transition.

About the same time, a TV talk show host said her family sets their clocks forward one night early. I guess that gives them a practice day on Saturday.

I don’t love losing the hour either, but for Heaven’s sake, just do it. Be a grown-up. Yank off the Band-Aid.

I’m not sure why we covet the weekends so much anymore anyway.

Consider this.

The calendar year has 365 days. Lop off the weekends, and right off the bat, we’re down to 260 weekdays. While we’re at it, let’s just take away Mondays altogether. The only things anyone accomplishes on Mondays are solving problems that manifested themselves over the weekend and covering for the people who called in sick to avoid those problems.

With Mondays gone, that leaves us with around 200 prime work days.

Oh, but wait. Nobody works on Fridays anymore, so we can chop off another 52, leaving us with about 150 days to accomplish something.

I know what you’re thinking.

“My holidays! I need my holidays!”

After whacking 11 Federal holidays, plus a buffer day for each one, we have a grand total of 128 days remaining.

Take away two weeks’ vacation, and we have 114.

Since the holiday season now kicks off on Nov. 1 and lasts through New Year’s, we might as well forget about November and December. We are either on vacation or, if we are at work, we’re hovering over a tri-flavor popcorn tin in the break room. Nothing gets done.

That takes us to 53 days.

Enter the weather. A snow day used to mean it was unsafe to travel because frozen precipitation covered our roads. Now, we take a snow day when frozen precipitation covers anybody’s roads. Where was “snowed in by association” when I was in elementary school?

Take off six days for that, and a few more for the days when snow was in the forecast but only ended up dusting the higher elevations. We wouldn’t have been any good at work anyway, because we already had our day at home planned. Hopefully, we kept the receipt for that sled.

After all that rest in February, we should not need a spring break, but we’ll take one anyway.

If you’re keeping score at home, we’re down to about 30 days.

Don’t forget a couple of appointments with Dr. All Day, the road trip to the Luke Bryan concert, the day after the Luke Bryan concert, jury duty, the day when the alarm clock didn’t go off, a stomach bug or two, a dead battery and a flat tire.

Say hello to the 10-day work year, ladies and gentlemen.

Wait a minute. Happy birthday.

Nine.

Sick kid.

Five.

Out of town for business.

One.

One stinking day.

I’m a big believer in momentum. I truly believe the more we get done, the more we can continue to accomplish – like a snowball rolling down hill. When you think about it, if we only have one day to get anything done, we might as well stay home then, too.

Besides, that snowball might just be rolling toward the office. Better to be safe than sorry.

See you next year.

The Year of the Snake

I’m not much for cultural things. Dang, I have a hard enough trouble being a football coach, teacher and part-time bouncer at the Beaver Dam Roadside Tavern. But I was watching the TV news just now (since football is over), and I learned that this is Chinese New Year, and it’s the Year of the Snake.

First of all, happy Chinese New Year. I really need to go down to the buffet there in town and give a couple of high fives. Maybe I’ll do that later.

Second of all, this gives me a great time to introduce something new I thought up: “Coach’s Front Seven”. That’s a clever title, ain’t it. From time to time I’ll give you a top 7 list of things. Today, I want to bring you Coach’s Front Seven: Year of the Snake Edition.

The top 7 Snakes in the order that I think of them:

7. Lane Kiffin. The kid’s a loser and a slacker. Those of you who know me know I’m just a fan of SEC football fan in general. But if I were a Tennessee fan, I would make him No. 1.

6. Lance Armstrong

5. Manti Te’o. Yes, he and Lance have been done to death, but we have to include them.

4. Bobby Petrino. Me, Chely Sizemore and Professor Sinclair rode ol’ Bobby pretty hard this year on @secpigskin picks, but he deserved every joke we cracked. And Arkansas fans have as much right to hate him and Vol fans have to hate little Lane.

follow @chelysizemore on twitter

3. The Federal government. Work together, Slackers. That’s why we sent you there.

2. The actors on that pcmatic.com commercial. They need to run bleachers until they can act. (Everything can’t be sports related.)

1. Jerry Sandusky. Slacker and Snake of the Century, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Until next time, Give me 20 Slackers,
Coach Billy Jack Hoover
@coachbjh

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