The Liberated Beagle

barks between beagles,“What in the world are you…”

“What do you think?”

“No, please! Put it…”

“I am liberated, sister! Take off yours, too!”

“I will not. It’s vulgar. I can see your…”

“Take it off! It’s time! You have been wearing it for years.”

“No, I will not. It’s cute. Look, it has little chili peppers on it.”

“Don’t you know what a collar signifies? It represents our subversiveness to people. When a leash is attached to it, you are automatically give up your say in what you are doing with your life.”

“It also shows somebody cares about us. It sets us apart from mangy strays.”


“What are you doing?”

“Looking for matches.”


“I’m burning this representation of conformity. Burn, baby, burn!”

“You’d better not strike a match.”

“You’re such a stick in the mud.”

“Maybe so. But, I’m just… Hey, here they come with the leashes!”

“Yea! I wonder where we’re going?”

“I’m going with them. You’re staying here because, let’s see, how did you put it? Oh, yes. You are too liberated to wear that representation of conformity.”

“Shut up and help me buckle this thing. But, I’m taking it back off, later.”

“You’d better hide those matches in a hurry.”


Cedar Shavings, ‘Nuff Said

barks between beagles,“Oooh.”


“Ohhh, my goodness.”

“It almost makes winter worth it.”


“Sweet cedar shavings.”

“Sweet mother of cedar shavings.”

“How warm must it be in here?”

“I feel like a bagel in a toaster.”

“Whole wheat or blueberry?”

“It’s a metaphor.”

“No, it’s a simile. A simile uses either ‘like’ or ‘as,’ and a metaphor does not. You said, ‘I feel like a bagel’, which is a simile. If you had said, ‘I’m a bagel,’ that would’ve been a metaphor.

“You’re a nerd.”

“Now that’s a metaphor.”

“No, that’s the truth.”

“What about this fresh smell, too?”

“Delightful. Nobody will accuse us of smelling like wet dogs today.”

“And, any fleas that have not already frozen to death are long gone.”

“See ya, blood sucking varmints.”

“Yeah. See ya next spring.”

“I love spring, even with the fleas. It gets warm, the flowers start blooming.”

“Yeah, but there isn’t  fresh cedar bedding in the spring.”

“There should be.”

“You know, there really should be.”

“Get on that.”

“I think I might.”

A Dog’s Diary

barks between beagles,“What are you doing?”

“Writing in my diary.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure. It’s boring, though.”

“Hmm, let’s see here. Monday, August 4, 2014… Ate, slept, barked. Yep, that summed up yesterday. Sunday, August 3, 2014… Ate, slept, barked. Yeah, I recall that was what you did Sunday. I think I did the same thing.”

“You did. I remember it distinctly.”

“Then we have Saturday, same thing, Friday, same thing, Thursday… You know, you seem to put the same thing on every single day.”

“That’s because we do the same thing everyday.”

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“Is that all there is to life? Is this why we were put on this earth? What is our purpose?!”

“I never really thought about it.”

“Surely there is more to us than that. I mean, did JFK’s diary say ate, slept, barked every day?” Churchill? Michael Jordan? Anne Frank, for Heaven’s sake!?”

“Well, probably not, but come on. Don’t be trying to compare my diary to Anne Frank’s diary.”

“Okay, then, what about Lassie.”

“I’ll bet Lassie’s diary was awesome. Tuesday, pulled Timmy from a well… Wednesday, kept the general store from burning down… Thursday, pulled Timmy from a well, again. Friday, trying to learn to speak human so I can tell someone to cover up that dang well.

“Well, I am depressed now.”

“Me, too. We’re not giving back to society. We’re not contributing to the common cause. We just sit here and –”

“– Eat, sleep…”

“…and bark.”

“What are you doing?”


“If you’re looking for that turkey leg again I buried last Thanksgiving, it’s no use. You’ll never find it.”

“I’m not looking for a turkey leg.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“Digging a well.”

“Good idea. I’ll go try to find someone named Timmy.”

Life Lessons from Big Sister

barks between beagles,“What are you doing?”

“Since I’m your older sister, I thought I would share some of my life reflections with you.”

“We’re from the same litter!”

“But I’m older.”

“By 4 minutes! We have spent every second together for 11 years.”

“Not every second, my child.”

“Oh, boy. Here it comes…”

“Remember, I went off to school, and you didn’t.”

“Yeah, obedience school for two or three nights. And you threw up riding in the crate every single time.”

“But I became wiser, and hungrier, but that’s beside the point.”

“The only command you ever learned was ‘speak.’ I hate that you flunked out before they taught you to shut up.”

“Oh, your mouth. Tsk, tsk, tsk. When you’ve lived as long as I have, you will know a little bit more about respecting your elders.”

Four Minutes!

“Listen, youngin’. Your generation is ruining society. For instance: how many selfies have you taken in the past week?”

“Eleven. Twelve if you count the My View selfie of my feet in front of the clover.”

“See what I mean?”

“It got 68 likes and 25 comments!”

“From 68 of your most narcissistic, self-indulged friends.”

“You know what I think?”


“I think you’re just jealous because the picture of your half-empty food bowl did not get one single like.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s true!”

“I said hush.”

“Oh, you’re not the only one who didn’t learn the shut up command. Yep, I’m ’bout to tweet that.

Soccer is Nil Fun for Dogs

barks between beagles,“Kick it! Kick it!”

“Woo hoo!”

“How’d you like that one?”

“That was a good one.”

“Man, soccer is easy.”

“I know, and it’s the perfect game for dogs.”

“No hands required.”

“Zero. Hands. Needed.”

“What’s the score now?”

“659 to nothing.”

“That’s nil.”

“Okay, nil to nothing.”

“No, I mean nil is the soccer word for nothing.”

“Okay, 659 to nil.”

“Let me kick it!”


“Whack! 660 to nil.”

“How long does a game last?”

“It’s called a match, not a game.”

“Okay Miss Smarty Pants. And it lasts…?”

“Ninety minutes, unless it goes into extra time.”

“How long have we been playing?”

“Two minutes and 49 seconds.”

“How in the world do these teams play and end up zero to zero?”

“That’s nil. And I don’t know. Maybe they have a smaller goal.”

“A goal? Don’t you get a point every time you kick it?”

“Well in real soccer, you have a goal, and you play against another team who tries to keep you from kicking it in the goal.”

“You know what I think about soccer?”


“Nil fun.”

The Beagles Take on Disney for ‘Dog With a Blog’

barks between beagles,“Okay, read what you have so far.”

“Dear Mr. Disney: It has come to our attention that your show, Dog With a Blog, has similarities to our publication, Barks Between Beagles.”

“Is that it? You’ve been working on this for a week!”

“Well I don’t know what else to say.”

“Say something about copyright infringement.”

“Dear Mr. Disney: It has come to our attention that your show, Dog With a Blog, is infringing on the copyright for our Barks Between Beagles publication.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere! Ask them to cease and desist immediately!”

“… and we demand that you cease and desist immdeiately…”

“Now tell them what we will do if they don’t.”

“… or we will…”


“What will we do if they don’t?”

“Go on a hunger strike!”

“Yeah, right. We tried that once. Remember? It lasted about 30 minutes.”

“Yeah, I remember. I was starving!”

“Me, too! Hey, what does cease and desist mean, anyway?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well where did you hear it?”

“Reruns of The Andy Griffith Show. You know that time Opie got stuck with the Miracle Salve and Barney pretended to be a lawyer to scare the Miracle Salve people into giving him his money back?”

“Oh, Good Heaven’s. You’re a regular Johnnie Cochran.”

“Well, do you have a better idea?”

“Well… it is nearly time for…”

Dog With a Blog is coming on! I love that show!”

“Me, too! Stan is a cutie…”


The Mystery of Starbucks

barks between beagles,“Oh, no! What…? No! What is…? What on God’s green earth is that horrible noise?”

“My new alarm clock. Don’t you love it?”

“Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!”

“We’re going to start getting up earlier. Get the day going. Carpe diem!”

“I’m gonna carpe your diem.”

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake, what’s wrong with you? The sun is rising, the birds are singing, the –”

“– the beagle is talking.”

“Get with the program. Do you want some coffee?”

“We’re dogs, we don’t drink coffee.”

“Well in that case, we don’t talk either. Cream and sugar?”



“So, the coffee maker is new, too?”

“I got it when I got the alarm clock. It’s part of my plan to jump-start the day.”

“Why don’t you just go to Starbucks like everyone else?”

Everyone else doesn’t go to Starbucks.”

“I don’t know about that. I see lots of pictures on Facebook of people at Starbucks.”

“That’s because for some reason, everybody who does go to Starbucks posts a picture of their coffee cup online… ”

“… sitting in their car.”

“Yeah, and the cup always has something written on it.”

“I know, what does that even mean?”

“Who knows. They should write, “This nut just paid $5 for a cup of coffee.”

“Ha! Yeah!”

“Uh-oh, don’t look now, but here comes Millie.”

“Oh, God, I despise poodles.”

“And look what she’s carrying.”


“A dang Starbucks cup.”

“What does it have written on it?”

“I can’t see it from here. She’s probably already posted the picture.”

“Looking, looking… Yep! Here it is!”

“So predictable.”

“And she posted, hashtag fuelup, hashtag aroma, hashtag carpediem.”

“I’m gonna carpe her diem.”



A New Career?

barks between beagles,“Boy, that was one restful Memorial Day weekend, huh?”

“Tell me about it. Slept. Ate. Relaxed.”

“But it’s back to the old grind today.”

“You got that right.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“Well, I’ve already eaten once. I think I’ll sleep and relax for a while.”

“Not me!”

“What do you mean? That’s what we do every day.”

“I mean I want to make a difference. I want to be a seeing-eye dog.”

“They’re called service dogs now, and you would be terrible at it.”

“Oh, is that so, Miss Smarty Pants? How do you figure that?”

“I can hear it now: ‘Why are Ginger and… Bob stuck in that rosebush?’ ‘Oh, they were going to cross the road but Ginger saw a squirrel and dragged Bob through that field, into those woods, back out the other side and bam, right in the rosebush.’ That’s what would happen if you were trying to be a service dog.”

“Hey, that’s not — Oh, you’re probably right. I would be terrible at it. I’m terrible at everything.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. We can’t help it. We’re hounds. Trackers. If you want to make a difference, do something using your nose!”

“I could be a drug dog at the airport! Sniffing out dope. Busting perps!”

“I don’t think they let the dogs bust perps, as you call it.”

“Well they should… Reach for the sky, scumbag! That’s what I would say.”

“Take it easy there, girl.”

“You know who I am interested in learning more about?”


“That Bob.”

“Who’s Bob?”

“The one you said I dragged through the bushes. I think he’s up to no good.”

“I just made that up as an example. I could’ve just as easily said Tom or Joe or Pete.”

“I don’t trust any of them.”

“Go to sleep, you’re delirious.”

“This crime fighting is making me tired.”

New Food Bowls

barks between beagles,“Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh boy! New food bowls!”

“I know! And it’s about time, too. I can’t believe they made us use the old ones for so long.”

“Look at your old bowl. Teeth marks. Unacceptable.”

“I was probably only 6 or 7 months old when I did that.”

“I can’t believe we’ve put up with them for so long.”

“Uh, me either… I don’t guess.”

“What do you mean you don’t guess? And look at that crack in mine! That happened the first day we got these. Do you remember how it got cracked? It was so funny. Man, we’ve eaten way too many meals in these bowls. I love the new ones.”

“They’re smaller.”


“The new bowls. They’re smaller than the old ones.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s not like they ever got filled up anyway.”

“And they’re metal.”

“Stainless steel, to be exact. Precious metal for precious puppies!”

“Stainless steel isn’t a precious metal. I don’t like them! I want the old bowls back!”

“You know, the food doesn’t really taste right in stainless steel, does it?”

“What were we thinking?”

“Oh, well. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

“Did you just make that up?”

“I think I did.”

“What does it mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything. Look at the size of Daisy over there. She can really fertilize a yard, if you know what I mean.”

“I wonder what kind of food she eats?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll bet it doesn’t come in one of these rust buckets.”

Clover, What is it Good For?

barks between beagles,“I love clover.”

“Me, too. Soft, cool. The flowers are pretty.”

“Yeah. You can make a necklace out of them. And what about that 4-leaf clover thing?”

“I’ve found a couple in my life.”

“It’s hard to believe there are people out there who don’t like clover.”

“Who doesn’t like clover? Everybody likes clover.”

“Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, then how do you explain the song Clover, What is it Good For?

“Oh, Lord.”

Absolutely nothin’ say it again, y’all. Clover, huh–

“Wait a minute! That’s not the way–”

What is it good for?–

“Shut up a minute!”

“Don’t you like my singing?”

“The song is War, not Clover. Good grief, Ginger. Do you really think that the most famous protest song from the Vietnam era was called… Clover, for Heaven’s sake?… Now what are you doing?”


“Feel free.”

“I am.”

“Wait for it.”

“Dang it.”

“Told ya.”

“I’ll bet you don’t know who originally did the song, though.”


“The Temptations.”

“I did not know that. Love The Temptations, though.”

“Yep. Ain’t too Proud to Beg.

“An anthem for beagles.”

“All dogs in general.”

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