The Oscars: A View From the Outside

We never go to movies. It’s just not something we do. I haven’t seen any movie nominated for an Academy Award. Yet, I’m watching the Oscars. Actually Kim is watching the Oscars. She hasn’t seen any of the movies either, but she likes Ellen DeGeneres, and that’s why she said she wants to watch it. So we watch. And here are my impressions as they happen, with absolutely no editing. So move over Hemmingway, Twain and Faulkner, there’s a new sheriff in town.

  • Ellen is hilarious. She poked fun at So Cal for “overcoming” the rain and thanked us for our prayers.
  • She said the actor from Somalia was a sommelier, “he knows a lot about wine.” That’s funny.
  • Everybody is talking about Bruce Dern. I’ve never heard of Bruce Dern. It would be awesome if his first name was Gol. Check it out: “Gol Dern, it’s been a great Oscars.”
  • Jared Leto (From here on out, just assume I don’t know who anyone is until I say that I do.) Anyway, Jared Leto’s tribute to his mother was pretty cool. We need more stuff like that. He also talked about people watching in the Ukraine. We need less of that. Reality check, Jared: people in Ukraine aren’t watching the Oscars. They are wondering which flag will fly over their capital by the end of the week.
  • I thought “Dallas Buyers Club” was about a store opening in the Big D between Costco and Sam’s. I now know that the movie is about the plight of AIDS, and there’s nothing funny about that. I’ll probably need to see the movie so I can learn why they named it that. It makes me sad we haven’t tried harder to beat that disease.
  • Ellen just popped up behind Sandra Bullock. Hey, I know Sandra Bullock! And I know that doesn’t make me hip.
  • I’m guessing at how to spell McConnouhey. I refuse to google it. And that woman presenting with him is hammered. She couldn’t spell it either.
  • Animated Short Film? Are you kidding me? How does “Smokey and the Bandit” get snubbed for 37 years and “Animated Short Film” is a category in the first 45 minutes.
  • I mean she is really, really hammered.
  • And 2 minutes later they bring out Sally Field. I probably wouldn’t have published this had that not just happened. Hey, is that a “Smokey and the Bandit” tease? I haven’t seen Burt Reynolds, but I’m sure he’s there. He’s probably just backstage. If Jackie Gleason wins a Lifetime Achievement Award, we. are. in!
  • Hermione Granger needs to eat a sammich, extra mayo, chips, coke, the whole enchilada. Yeah, throw in an enchilada.
  • Orchestral version of “Feels Like the First Time.” Yikes.
  • Best Live Action Short Film: I’m voting for that deer stuck in the mud I saw on Facebook yesterday. And I lose again. It wasn’t even nominated.
  • Documentary Short Subject… These aren’t movies. These are the films we used to watch in junior high when we had a substitute teacher. Do you remember that the diameter of the canister that held the reel was directly proportional to how long the film would run? There were a couple like basketball goals. That was a whole afternoon!
  • I’ve heard of Bradley Cooper. I’ve always admired his awesome initials.
  • I thought Angela Lansbury was dead. She’s 88. Made it farther than most. Go, girl.
  • If you’re playing an Angelina Jolie drinking game, we’re sorry but she wasn’t mentioned until the 72-minute mark. The good news: You’re the designated driver.
  • It’s 9:51. I’m publishing this at 10:00, so hang with me. There’s not much more.
  • I’m a huge fan of the US Space Program. I haven’t seen “Gravity.” I — oh, forget it. Brad Pitt’s in da house!
  • It’s fitting I’m ending this while U2 sings. They are still relevant after 30 years, because they have something to say. That’s a sharp contrast to this post, but I’ve had fun doing it. Good night. See you at the movies, maybe. Call me if “Smokey” wins Best Picture.
About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him:

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