While We’re at it, I Don’t Even Have a White Coat

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comI’m big on do-it-yourself repair projects.

Sometimes they work out, and sometimes they don’t.

I can usually fix a leaky faucet or change a light switch pretty easily. Some problems are tougher, though.

I like to say I know my limits, but apparently I don’t know them as well as I think I do.

Like most people, I dabble a little in self-doctoring. I think it starts when we pull that bee stinger out of our foot for the first time as children while sitting teary-eyed in a patch of clover.

I probably self-doctor a bit more than most people, which is not something I’m necessarily proud of. I would’ve made a great Christian Scientist.

Last week, I expanded my medical repertoire.

I am now doing some of my own dental work.

This has not turned out as well as I had hoped it would.

Of course, I have no training in dentistry. Thank goodness for dental schools who turn out real dentists. For the record, I love my dentist, but I thought I could handle this problem on my own.

My big problem was that I don’t have any dental tools. Most non-dentists don’t, I suppose.

That’s why I was forced to make one using a chopstick, some sandpaper and a couple of inches of electrical tape.

Filing down a rough spot on a crown is harder than it sounds. I worked on it for quite a while, and I don’t think I made any difference at all. I thought about going with a coarser grit, but I didn’t know how that might work out.

The fine sand in my mouth was bad enough. I felt like I was on the beach walking into a stiff headwind. Anything coarser would’ve been unbearable.

No matter how hard I sanded, that little sharp edge just wouldn’t go away. I guess that high-speed dentist tool which sounds like a cat with its tail caught in a door is necessary after all.

Before you ask, yes, I considered using the Dremel but chickened out.

I’ve had to go to the dentist for some unusual reasons over my lifetime, and I’m sure my file looks like Mad magazine. I didn’t want to have to explain the injury I received from working on my tooth with a rotary tool. 

In the span of a half hour, I sent dental care back 100 years. I’ve seen museum exhibits of early medical tools, and I don’t ever remember seeing anything as primitive as my sandpaper on a stick.

By the time you read this, I will have been to the real dentist and had myself fixed up. And it will have been a simple procedure, which I will have had no reason to worry about. That’s the way it almost always goes — though I never look forward to it.

The main reason I tried my do-it-yourself scheme in the first place is because it was late in the day and late in the week, I was busy, and I really didn’t have time to go.

In hindsight, I think maybe I didn’t have time not to go.

Just for fun, I am considering filing a claim with my insurance company to see if they will pay their customary 75 cents.

Heck, that wouldn’t even cover the chopstick.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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