You May Have Seen Me in Women’s Sunglasses

barry currin, stories of a world gone mad, beaverdamusa.comI’ve always found it interesting that the more I like a pair of sunglasses the more quickly something happens to them.

Of course, the opposite always holds true as well.

A couple of years ago, I bought a pair out of necessity at a convenience store somewhere outside of Fredericksburg, Va.

As you can imagine, the sunglasses department was pretty slim pickings. The ones I was forced to buy looked like something out of a sci-fi movie. I think they were $8.99.

They fit my head like a little plastic vise. They were crooked. When I looked down, they made the ground look 3 inches farther away than it really is.

I still have them. They’re never going to break. I can’t lose them.

If I ever left them somewhere, I have no doubt a Boy Scout with a pet bloodhound would happen by, pick them up and track me cross country to return them.

A couple of months ago, conversely, I decided to splurge on a decent pair. I went to one of those outdoor gear stores where the employees always look like they just got home from spring break.

To me, splurging on sunglasses means spending about 30 bucks.

I bought a pair. I loved them. They broke after a month.

Having learned nothing, I went back to the exact same store to get another pair.

I decided on some much like the ones that had just broken. 

“Do you want me to put these in a bag?” the young lady at the counter asked.

“Oh, no. I am going to wear them.” It was less of a statement and more of an announcement for everyone in the store to hear.

When I looked at myself in the rearview mirror, I was a little disturbed by the way the arms were a little wider than my other ones. I noticed the same thing about the tortoise-shell curvy pieces that go around the ears.

Then I took them off and realized the arms had a little design on them.

I was the proud owner of a pair of women’s sunglasses.

You will find it difficult to believe I didn’t notice any of this in the store.

I sat there in the parking lot wondering whether to return them immediately or live with them. It was not tremendously obvious they were a bit feminine. I tried to pull a little hair over the design to hide it. 

I decided to keep them. No one would notice. And the best part is, I knew I would never, ever lose them, and they would never, ever break.

I left the store and cruised down the road trying not to rear-end anyone while I continued to argue with myself if I looked weird or not.

I did. As much as I tried to talk myself out of it, I looked weird.

I was a head scarf and a cigarette holder away from looking like Audrey Hepburn cruising down Sunset Boulevard on her way to William Holden’s house for martinis.

In the end, I bought myself a pair of men’s sunglasses — though I did it at another store.

Kim got the others.

She makes a much more believable Audrey Hepburn than I do.

About Barry Currin

Barry tries to be funny and poignant, and he's usually satisfied when he succeeds with one or the other. (Being both is awesome. And sometimes that happens.) Email him: currin01@gmail.com

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